The incredible shrinking man

“I am average height,” Dylan Thomas said, “Average height for Wales, that is.” Likewise I am average height for the industrial North of England. I’ve always wanted to look more like Sean Connery or even Rita Hayworth, but it was not in my ancestry package.

All my children, boys and girls, overtop me. As I’ve aged I have lost some of even the modest height I had and am quite resigned to becoming shorter than an increasing number of primary school kids. However, I’ve gone about my affairs as best I could, marrying tall women and being cheeky to big men, and I can’t say I’ve noticed any major impediments to a full life.

Until this week, that is. An alarming thing has just happened that I noticed on my morning hike, a really perceptible loss of stature in just a few days, accompanied by an equally disturbing increase in weight.

If I go on like this, I might turn into a cube.

Reg Green lives in La Cañada. His website is www.nicholasgreen.org.