The gag's on Dodgers if they don't make playoffs

PHILADELPHIA -- I'm worried about Joe Torre.

This is no time to sound clueless, the Dodgers going flat against the Phillies again, the manager asked what he might say to his team, and Torre appearing befuddled.

"There's nothing I can tell them," he said.

I don't get paid by the Parking Lot Attendant, and for that matter a lot of the Dodgers don't either, but I know what I'd tell our heroes.

"OK, guys, gather around. We're on our way to Washington. Those clowns have lost 14 of their last 16. An automatic sweep -- no reason to even use Jonathan Broxton, so everyone can rest easy.

"We don't play anyone with a winning record the rest of the season other than the Diamondbacks, and they're not much. We've got a good chance here to really give Vin Scully something to talk about. Sorry, Jeff.

"We've got 19 games on the road against teams with a combined record of 108 games below .500. Keep in mind we're only one game below .500, so when it comes to losing we're nowhere near as big losers as these other losers.

"We just have to show up to make the playoffs so NedColletti and Frank McCourt can take a bow. And they will. By the way, would someone please wake up Russell Martin; I know he's tired, but what am I supposed to do -- play Danny Ardoin?

"Listen, we go home for 12 more games and play teams with a combined record of 42 games below .500. We could play Juan Pierre every day, but don't worry, I'm not nuts.

"Arizona has to play eight more games against the playoff-hungry Cardinals, and those guys kicked our butt four out of six. We get four against the Pirates, three against the Nationals and will probably never have to use Mark Sweeney as a pinch-hitter.

"Things are really looking up. We'd really have to gag now not to make the playoffs."

IF THIS was New York, and Torre had done what he's done to Manny Ramirez, just imagine the headline in the New York Post: "Butcher!"

Just imagine George Steinbrenner's reaction, his search to find the barber who cut Ramirez's hair and then have him fired.

The Dodgers were playing like a powerhouse after Ramirez's arrival -- until the Dodgers' hair-challenged manager insisted on Samson cutting his dreadlocks, Ramirez complying and hitting .250 ever since, the Dodgers going 4-7 in that time.

"Get on Torre," Ramirez said with a grin. "Don't blame me."

Casey Blake came to the Dodgers, his beard a little shaggy, and as soon as he got a trim to better blend in, he went into the dumper, hitting .125 in his last nine games.

"I didn't tell him to cut his beard," Torre said, too late now to help Blake.

It might be time to check those before and after pictures of Andruw Jones. Wouldn't be surprised to find out Torre's the one who had the guy shave his head just before he joined the Dodgers.

"That's something about discipline," Torre joked after getting Ramirez to snip an inch off his dreadlocks. "You sacrifice wins, the season and everything else to have it."

Yeah, the Dodgers' new motto: "Take an inch and drop a mile back in the standings."