Everything comes back to the Bears

Parcells pursuit

Bill Parcells reportedly has drawn interest from the Vikings and Saints. (Fort Worth Star-Telegram Photo / April 4, 2012)

Football never has an offseason, and there’s always a way to make it about the Bears, whether the news comes from drugs, fashion or potential litigation.

F’rinstance, Bill Parcells coming to the NFC North.

That was the story from the New York Post this morning. Vikings owner Zygi Wilf reportedly contacted the Bloated One about running his organization.

A radio station in Minneapolis, however, reported that the Vikings’ interest is not new and the team isn’t believed to be chasing Parcells to coach in place of Leslie Frazier and serve as general manager in place of Rick Spielman.

But with the flighty Parcells, you never know. He’s always in play because he’s always unretires. And he knows how to play leverage, you bet.

Remember, the Saints first floated Parcells’ name as a placeholder while dirty, lying arrogant Sean Payton serves his suspension for New Orleans’ bounty program. Parcells used to be Payton’s boss in Dallas. Now the idea would be that Parcells would work in Payton’s job and fail to win a Super Bowl the way he has failed the last two decades-plus.

That’s some warranty you get in the Legends Club, huh?

The 71-year-old Parcells supposedly wondered aloud among friends whether the game has passed him by. Here’s a tip, Tuna: There’s a better chance of the game passing you by than the Vikings passing, period.

This would be a treat for Bears fans, seeing the pear-shaped coaching Hamlet blow up over an offense with a gimpy running back, bad line, surgically altered top receiver, and inexperienced quarterback.

Geez, the Vikings’ starting offense looks similar to the Bears’ disastrous brigade of backups led by pick-six Caleb Hanie, bumbling and fumbling Marion Barber and Kahlil Bell, and those wonderful folks who brought you Dane Sanzenbacher.

Can I just say this: If Phil Emery lets Lovie Smith bring back Sanzenbacher or Roy Williams, who not only had the worst hands on the Bears but some of the worst in the league, then Emery has to fire Smith right then and there.

And can I also just say this: If Smith lets Emery bring back Sanzenbacher or Williams, then Smith has to fire Emery right then and there. Smith has the authority to do it, I believe. After all, Smith hired Emery, right? Approved it, anyway. Told Virginia it was OK with him, at least. So, the coach firing the general manager would fit the Bears’ upside-top-down management structure.

Anyway, watching Parcells coach a 3-13 Minnesota team that figures to be just as bad this season would be a stitch. Or if he milks money out of the Saints with the Vikings story, then fine. The sanctions against the whole cheating Saints program help the Bears because a 13-3 team is being shredded into an 8-8 team at best.

So, either Parcells rumor helps the Bears get back to the playoffs, and they have to get back there, believe me. That’s how Smith saves his job. Emery was forced to retain Smith for this season. But Emery will have a choice next year, Virginia permitting.

What you’re seeing in 2012 is a replay of 2010. The Bears were coming off one of the many recent non-playoff years fashioned by Smith. The 2009 season devolved into a 7-9 mess that prompted the head coach to add to his world indoor record of firing assistants.

The pressure to win --- the pressure to justify his big contract --- seemingly became so great that Smith was demanding accountability. It was public and it was surprising. I mean, Smith cutting a defensive lineman after a win?

The Bears won enough to reach the the NFC Championship Game, and then Jay Cutler got hurt and Hanie threw a pick-six to the fattest guy on the field, and that was that.

Can I just say this: After rightly getting run out of here for stinking it up, Hanie signed with Denver and said he’s not going to try to be Peyton Manning, and I’m thinking, who thought that would be an issue?

Anyway, the Bears enter 2012 with the playoffs-or-fired expectations they seemed to enter 2010.

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