Playing Fresno is a one-way street

The folks at UCLA's appointments desk say their football schedule is booked through games of 2012 while USC's calendar was described as "jigsaw puzzle" complicated.

Why don't our schools just come out and say it: They're a little bit arrogant, a little bit elitist and maybe a little bit scared.

They don't mind Fresno State and its legions of Red Wave fans caravanning down here for a regular-season game. They don't mind cashing the entertainment dividend of Fresno State at USC in 2005, which turned out to be an instant classic.

Our teams will courageously tolerate Fresno State in neutral-site bowl agreements -- Freedom Bowl, Silicon Valley.

They'll even book Fresno State as a fill-in act.

The Bulldogs, playing UCLA at the Rose Bowl on Saturday, are a replacement for San Diego State, which opted out.

But getting our teams to board a charter pointed toward Fresno?

Well now, that sail might not fly over at the Newport Yacht Club.

And how could a Bruin stir his martini after 18 holes at Bel Air Country Club?

"Hey Thurston, how was that Denny's in Clovis?"

UCLA is 6-1 against Fresno State in games played since 1927.

All six wins were on the Bruins' home field. Fresno State scored its neutral-site win at the Silicon Valley Bowl.

USC is 1-1 all-time against Fresno State. The loss was in 1992, in the Freedom Bowl at Anaheim, a defeat so ignominious it took 12 years for the Trojans to even contemplate a rematch.

But what a rematch.

In 2005, in the cozy Coliseum confines, No. 1 USC white-knuckled home a 50-42 victory for the ages, after which 25,000 spent Fresno fans refilled their gas tanks and drove home.

The reason UCLA and USC won't agree to a home-and-home series with Fresno State is beyond obvious: They don't have to.

Our bluebloods can arrange games against higher-profile programs like Ohio State, Tennessee, Auburn. They can offer fans packages to more exotic locales.

UCLA even thought Utah and Brigham Young would be better places to entertain. . . . Oops.

Enticing UCLA and USC to come to Fresno?

"It's just hard enough getting a game at their place," a frustrated Fresno State Coach Pat Hill said this week.