Fat farm is calling, but there are 10 reasons not to answer
I’ll get to Bo Derek. Yes, I will.
But right now we’ve got a little more than a month before the twins arrive, so I thought it’d be good for G.P. to weigh less than Big Bird.
Saw a sign on a Yorba Linda shop window, $18 a session with a personal trainer, no contracts.
I thought I’d try an hour or two, but the personal trainer said he didn’t allow such a thing. There would have to be at least a month contract, more than $20 a session, and I’m still handing him my credit card.
Now he asks me to circle, 1 to 10, my level of motivation. I go with 7 -- knowing how willing I am to be ripped off.
He says he can’t take me unless I circle the 10, so I wish him a good life, and leave fat while knowing the Screaming Meanie might never make a play for me now.
That’s all right, and I’m already over it because I’m just right for the wife, who doesn’t like to eat alone and likes to eat often. And so we’re out chowing down again, I’m telling her how close I came to being Size 0’s love interest and she shrieks, “The strawberries will die!”
We have to leave the restaurant, she says, because she needs to work her farm. I had no idea we had one.
I’m married to the woman for 37 years, and she’s telling me she owns an elephant and a hot-air balloon, her sunflowers need to be harvested and she needs to rake up the neighbor’s leaves.
There’s also something about a little man with a big head, and why she would bring up Barry Bonds, I don’t know.
But I think you’re beginning to understand why her daughter appeared on Dr. Phil.
“FarmVille, a computer game,” the wife snaps while typing away on her farm. “If you were on Facebook you would know.”
If I’m on Facebook, I worry Dwyre is laughing so hard he might never recover to write another column. So where do I sign up?
As for the wife, I’ve never seen her so passionate, and while that’s another story, I figured as long as she was going to be working her farm she’d understand if I went out and checked on the horses.
I’m not sure I’ve ever come up with a better excuse to play the ponies, and work, of course.
Day 1 of the Breeders’ Cup, and who cares about the jockeys, trainers, owners and horses? Take most of the 365 days of the year and who cares about the jockeys, trainers, owners and horses?
John Murtagh rode the first winner, and ask most folks before the day begins whether he’s a jockey, boxer or soccer player, and they’re probably stumped.
You play the ponies, and they don’t even ask you the name of the horse when you bet. It’s just the number that counts, No. 9 looking great in the Marathon.
The Breeders’ Cup folks, though, will tell you this is the chance to see the very best horses, like if you put them all in a corral the very best would just stand out. They all look the same, which is why so many people go home without picking a winner.
That brings me to Joe Torre. He’s here. A year ago he’s here and everyone is asking him if Manny is going to come back to the Dodgers.
This time around Manny uses this day to announce he’s coming back to the Dodgers. No one mentions his name to Torre or, apparently, passes along any hot tips.
If Torre picks winners here, his own foundation, Safe at Home, benefits thanks to significant donations by Breeders’ Cup Charities and TVG.
But he’s so bad, “I worry now they might take my name off the foundation,” he tells his wife when she checks in. And don’t they all.
He goes 0 for 6 in Breeders’ Cup races, and Bob Baedeker, an expert for TVG, goes one for six. It’s like watching Martin and Blake hitting back to back against the Phillies.
Torre is sitting with Don Zimmer, his former Yankees bench coach, and when they were together it was like they never lost. You see what they’re like now without Mariano Rivera.
Zimmer says “Blind Luck,” and that might’ve helped, but that’s who he has winning the fifth when asked. He should’ve taken it, She Be Wild winning the fifth.
Page 2 wins $2,000 for Safe at Home with a pair of gutsy victories, an amazing accomplishment when you consider the distraction presented by David Israel, former newspaperman and now member of the California Horse Racing Board and the Coliseum Commission.
With those sorts of credentials you just know he has no friends, but he claims to know Bo. A year ago she’s here, and he says he’ll deliver her to Page 2. But he’s long on promises, short on delivery and did I mention he’s on the Coliseum Commission?
It’s been years since Bo and I made meaningful eye contact at the Hearns-Hagler fight, so much happening since, a kiss on the cheek from Salma Hayek, Salma Hayek pregnant, paternity tests and some guy now wanting me to be a 10.
Bo is here again for Day 1, but Israel says it’s just not going to work out. “She’s too old for you,” he says, and while I know she’s busy on the farm, I can’t wait to tell the wife.
She’ll be so relieved.
Now as for Day 2 here, tension mounting and Torre going first in each race to try to pick winners for the benefit of Safe at Home, it appears hopeless.
Juvenile Turf: Interactif (T), Pounced (Mr. B), Bridgetown (Page 2).
Turf Sprint: California Flag (T), Noble Court (Mr. B), Gotta Have Her (Page 2).
Sprint: Zensational (T), Gayego (Mr. B), Fatal Bullet (Page 2).
Juvenile: D’Funnybone (T), Lookin At Lucky (Mr. B), Aspire (Page 2).
Mile: Goldikova (T), Court Vision (Mr. B), Delegator (Page 2).
Dirt Mile: Pyro (T), Mastercraftsman (Mr. B), Chocolate Candy (Page 2).
Turf: Dar Re Mi (T), Conduit (Mr. B), Spanish Moon (Page 2).
Classic: Zenyatta (T), Gio Ponti (Mr. B), Einstein (Page 2).
But then that’s what most people like to call Page 2.
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