Morning briefing

Hope and signs spring eternal

Spring is in the air. You can tell because ESPN talkers are overusing terms such as “March Madness,” “Big Dance” and “Bubble Teams,” as well as making up a few . . . “Bracket-ology?” But in case you weren’t sure what’s coming, here are five ways to tell that tournament time is upon us.

5. The copier at work is out of toner.

4. Universities you have never seen, or heard of, are popping up on ESPN (Elon University . . . Elon?).

3. Dick Vitale’s latest rant hits a pitch only dogs can hear.

2. Billy Packer is denying the Louisiana Purchase (there is no one west of the Mississippi).

1. Mountain West Conference fans are pondering the question that has puzzled NHL fans for more than two years: What the heck is “Versus” and why is our game on it?

Trivia time

As UCLA seeks a third straight Final Four appearance, name the only schools to reach three consecutive Final Fours without winning the title.

City slicker

There has been plenty of drama in the New York Yankees organization the last few years (Jason Giambi’s apology, Andy Pettitte’s admission, Roger Clemens’ steadfast denials), so instead of picking up some middle relief, team management opted for some comic relief.

Billy Crystal, actor and long-time Yankees fan, will sign a one-day minor league contract to play in a spring training game Thursday.

“I know this will be tougher than the Broadway Softball League,” the 60-year-old Crystal said in a statement, “but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”

One has to wonder why a comedian would tie himself to anything known as the “bombers.”

Shopping spree

Didier Drogba, a soccer player for Chelsea, appears to be testing the theory, “the clothes make the man.”

Drogba, who is from the Ivory Coast, has been buying dozens of his own jerseys, the Daily Mirror reported, in an effort to prove his popularity with fans. Drogba was named the Premier League’s top goal scorer in 2006-07, but his jersey sales have lagged behind teammates John Terry and Frank Lampard.

The Mirror quoted a worker at the team store, “Dids is never out of the club shop. He is spending a fortune. He is on first-name terms with the staff and is easily their best customer.”

Someone should have told Drogba the Kobe Bryant sales boost plan is cheaper. Just change your number.

Player attacks locker room . . .

Detroit Tigers pitcher David Tata injured his throwing hand when punching a locker room door after another in a series of poor performances on the mound last week. Tata, in hindsight, said he was well aware of the sage advice about not punching with your pitching hand, as passed on from Crash Davis to Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh. . . .

“We’ve all seen Bull Durham,” Tata told MLB.com, smiling.

Locker room attacks player . . .

Manchester United midfielder Darren Fletcher was knocked unconscious after a game last week when the door to a bathroom stall fell on his head.

One team employee spoke for the world, telling the Daily Mail: “You don’t expect a door to just fall on you.”

The moral of the Tata and Fletcher incidents: No matter who hits first, the house always wins.

Trivia answer

Duke (1988-90), Houston (1982-84), North Carolina (1967-69) and Ohio State (1944-46).

In Duke’s defense, practice makes perfect. After coming away empty-handed three times, the Blue Devils won national titles in 1991 and 1992.

And finally

Attention, EBay: The person who has Barry Bonds’ 762nd home run ball will be revealed at a Denver restaurant Thursday, as will the plans for it, a PR firm announced. And the world holds its breath.

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chris.foster@latimes.com