Soon, Howland could have us all Buffaloed

He has friends who address him as “Marv Levy,” and Ben Howland should be as good as the former Bills coach, which would mean taking UCLA to the Final Four for the fourth consecutive time this year.

And then lose again.

The Bruins have been working hard recently to get that losing part down pat, dropping two of their last three and tumbling to No. 17 in the polls -- as low as they have fallen since about this same time three years ago.

“I just hope we make the tournament,” moans Howland, while failing to mention the Bruins went all the way to the national championship game in 2006 after falling to No. 19 in the polls.

It’s already a monumental achievement getting as far as UCLA has the last three years, but then sitting outside Howland’s office is secretary Emily Feher, a constant reminder that some people really do have what it takes to win it all.

She’s obviously out of place, a three-time national champion water polo player for UCLA now working for a three-time loser.

“Michigan State’s Tom Izzo won a national championship and he told me it’s almost possible these days to get to three straight Final Fours,” Howland says. “But I told him I’d give that all up, just to win one.

“That’s why I’m here at UCLA -- to help them win a national championship.”

Blah, blah, blah. Then do it. No way Arizona State should win in Pauley. Maybe call an occasional practice to work on offense.

“Last week we were going to do just that,” says Howland, but then you’re already way ahead of me, yes, it was canceled to work on other things such as, you know, defense.

“We usually split our practice time 50-50 with offense and defense,” he says, the second team playing offense undoubtedly against the first-string defense. “As the year goes on we spend more time trying to figure out how to score.”

Yes, we can all see that, although I usually make a point of not watching UCLA because at my age I already have trouble staying awake.

And that’s fine, hard to argue with the control freak’s success if winning and losing is all that important to people, although I place a much higher value on entertainment.

“I’m not [a control freak],” he says with a controlling grin, a few seconds later adding, “you have more control of things if you play defense. And you can control how you play defense too, with effort and preparation.”

Then he talks about shot selection, obviously the one in control of what he considers a good shot.

“Field-goal percentage is very important,” he says, and for the record, he is the one with all the “coach of the year” trophies lining the far wall in his office.

And another point of order -- when he lost again in the Final Four last year, no question, I was the guy writing he didn’t go stupid overnight. He got UCLA to the Final Four three years running, and that’s brilliance at work.

But how about just a dash more of excitement?

“We play with a lot of passion, with commitment and we play unselfishly, putting the team first,” he says. “And that’s entertaining.”

The next few minutes were spent seeing who could control the interview, Howland ordering me a sandwich -- as I would begin to understand later -- so my mouth would be full and he would win again.

But then I was the one who left satisfied.

NOW BEFORE some of you ask for comment, it’s true Nicanor will race for the first time soon down in Florida, but for now he’s not talking.

There are whispers, as surely some people have already guessed, though, he will dedicate his first race in honor of his brother, Barbaro.

Thursday marks the second anniversary of Barbaro’s death, so you can imagine what an emotional day it will be for Nicanor.

OUR SAM FARMER reported Monday that the Chargers signed a deal to market the perennial expectation busters in Orange County, as well as L.A., the implication obvious -- the mismanaged football team is getting ready to move up here.

If you’ve been paying attention recently to the team that always disappoints, the gruff GM, A.J. Smith, has been mocking the star running back, LaDainian Tomlinson, in the small-town newspaper because Tomlinson said he’d like to remain with the team.

You can understand how that would trouble a GM.

This kind of lunacy, as well as wide receivers caught driving drunk, we don’t need, so I checked with Casey Wasserman, L.A.’s favorite son and millionaire, to see why he would be a party to such nonsense.

“This has nothing to do with the Chargers moving here,” he said.

The Chargers hired him to sell luxury suites and premier tickets to the fan base here, because in addition to his work as owner of the Avengers, no one here has more football contacts.

Easy to understand why no one in San Diego wants to buy tickets any more. They’ve watched the Chargers play.

THE RESPONSE has been terrific. There are a lot of guys out there who want to give me another grandchild even though it means dating the daughter once or twice and then marrying her.

The response from the daughter has not been so terrific. In fact the family spent hours this weekend discussing the situation and whether I should be known as Pimp Daddy from now on.

Several mothers, though, have nominated their sons to take the daughter to dinner, then a Lakers’ game and get married. It probably figures some unsuspecting guy is our best bet here, so we’ll leave the contest open to mothers for a few more days.

The daughter isn’t getting any younger, so we’ll select the finalists next week. That will give her extra time to lose some more weight.

t.j.simers@latimes.com