Viewer gains enough love tips to last a Lifetime

EntertainmentSocial IssuesProstitutionTelevisionKellie MartinPhil McGrawTori Spelling

If you're looking for love advice, you could always check in with Dr. Phil or whoever is pretending to be Dear Abby these days. If you're too shy to pour your heart out to a stranger, the bookstore shelves are lined with books dispensing relationship advice.

But I believe there's a better place to go if you're looking for help with matters of the heart. Here are a few invaluable lessons I've learned about love and romance by watching movies on the Lifetime network:

  • Under no circumstances should you seek advice from Tori Spelling, Judith Light, Kellie Martin, Meredith Baxter or Nancy McKeon.
  • Could your relationship result in the use of the phrase "mafia wife" in the title of your autobiography? If so, break it off.
  • If at any point your current dating situation makes you ask the question, "Mother, may I sleep with danger?" you're doomed.
  • A first date should not consist of a weekend trip to a secluded cabin in the woods where no one would ever find your body.
  • If you are a drug addict or a prostitute, the police officer who arrests/saves you will end up being the love of your life.
  • If you are not a drug addict or a prostitute and the love of your life is a police officer, he will most likely end up being a psychotic stalker who is simply masquerading as a police officer.
  • Driving your car through the front window of your cheating boyfriend's house accomplishes nothing except raising your insurance premiums.
  • When your boyfriend acts as though he might have a secret life with a wife and children elsewhere, he probably does.
  • Sometimes the most graceful way out of a bad relationship is out the back window and down the fire escape.
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