Laughing stock: February stand-up comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Colin Kane, Arsenio Hall and Whitney Cummings.

2.2-4 Colin Kane

“You gotta talk dirty. And if you talk dirty, you gotta change it up. A lot of you white girls say the same thing. You’ll be like, ‘I want to taste you.’ You got to change it up. Just look at your man tonight, and say, ‘Baby, storm my sh*tcave.’ ”

- Colin Kane on Andrew Dice Clay Presents The Blue Show

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

2.3-4 Dean Delray

“I go to the movies with my buddy a couple days ago, right? I sit down, he sits two seats over. I look over at him and say, ‘Hey, what are you doing over there?’

‘Oh, I ain’t sitting next to you - that’s gay.’

‘I sat next to you on the car ride over. Is that gay? What’s gay is your Miata we rode here in, dude. Two-seat gay machine.’ ”

- Dean Delray at The Laugh Factory

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

2.10-11 Arsenio Hall

“I just read that Bruce Springsteen, they offered him $12 million to do a Chrysler commercial. He turned it down. He must have a lot of money, because for $12 million I’d do a commercial for the Ku Klux Klan. I’d wear the uniform and everything.”

- Arsenio Hall on Def Comedy Jam

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

2.16 Billy Crystal

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

- Billy Crystal in City Slickers

@ Jacobs Music Center’s Copley Symphony Hall, sandiegosymphony.org

2.17 Penn & Teller

“It’s fair to say that the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history and pizza.”

- Penn Jillette in “God, No! Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales”

@ Harrah’s Resort SoCal - The Events Center, caesars.com/harrahs-socal

2.17-18 Whitney Cummings

“I can’t tell what’s more annoying: a mom who can’t text or a mom who can text.”

- Whitney Cummings on Twitter

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

2.18 Kristin Hensley & Jen Smedley (#imomsohard)

“A little barf isn’t gonna stop me from wearing these pants. #momstyle #lit #onfleek #hipster”

- @imomsohard on Twitter

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

2.24-25 Sarah Tiana

“I can’t date an Irish guy that doesn’t drink. That’s like dating a Mexican that’s infertile.”

- Sarah Tiana on The Super Serious Show

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

2.23-25 Frankie Quinones

“I’ll get on stage in front of 200 people I don’t know w/out a problem. Yet I’m too insecure to take a selfie if a single person is watching.”

- Frankie Quinones on Twitter

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com