Happy Medium

By Zimfa

What’s going to happen in the next 12 months is anyone’s guess, especially mine. I’m Zimfa the Psarcastic Psychic. Having looked into a bottle of Cristal, which is way more accurate than the balls I used to look at - I’ve seen the future. Now you can, too.

Kanye or Nay?
NASA will announce that alien life forms have declined any further contact with Earth after having seen “Keeping Up with The Kardashians.” Quoth the aliens, “You watch this crap? Bleep. Bork. Kim has a giant ass, and it ain’t Scott Disick. We’d rather watch Uranus. Bleep.”

An Election that Lasts More than Four Hours
After spending the first three months of 2014 under house arrest, Bob Filner will work on improving food-delivery options for other San Diegans stuck at home. The new initiative, “Filner Tummy,” will fail because the former mayor insists on making deliveries himself.

Going Post-al
The next online trend, Anti-Social Media, will spawn the release of Hatr, a network allowing mail carriers and other psychopaths to post messages to each other. The site’s creator will answer skeptics by pointing out that “Facebook, Twitter and Instagram were created by people that have no social skills and reverse-engineered by people who do. We’re just doing the opposite.”

Care Package
Facing diminishing numbers in popularity polls, our beloved POTUS will dump Obamacare in favor of the Affordable Cher Act, which allows all Americans to see a diva in concert. Those receiving tickets to Tina Turner or Cher will feel vindicated. However, website bugs will force those with preexisting conditions to see Chaz Bono instead.

Are You Cyrus ?
During a live TV performance of Jesus Christ Superstar, former Disney Channel star Miley Cyrus will be struck by lightning while twerking in the Sermon on the Mount scene.

Animal Instincts
The weed-loving rapper formerly known as Dee-Oh-Double-Gizzle will adopt the culture of Australia’s aboriginal population. In keeping with his new life, he will become Snoop Platypus.

i, Oh My
Apple’s new iPhone Sex will offer a more powerful Vibrate mode and a bigger, uh, jack.

“Here’s something to think about: how come you never see a headline like ‘physic wins lottery’?”
-Jay Leno