Hansen: Main Beach, just the right amount of wrong

Most Laguna Beach residents have a lukewarm, like-hate relationship with Main Beach.

On the one hand, we recommend it to tourists (then stay away). On the other hand, if we have to go — perhaps to meet out-of-towners — we treat it like a smarmy uncle: arm’s length, with an air kiss and not-so-subtle wince.

But here’s the thing: Deep down, we know that Main Beach defines Laguna, so we care what’s happening. We would rather not be responsible for the mess, but by God, it’s our mess.

We take some measure of pride that anti-war protesters have set up camp there every Saturday since the Mexican-American War.

We have become skilled at driving by on Coast Highway, through the S curve, while at the same time sneaking a glance at the freak show — happy that it’s going on.

On any given weekend, we know there will be a carnival of politics, charity, displacement, capitalism, uber-sports, music, crafts, painting and more from dozens of self-afflicted groups.

It is orchestrated humanity in search of something, anything: attention, donations, kinship, a chess game.

Without question, it is the best and worst of Laguna.

Main Beach is our version of Main Street: gay, straight, cosmopolitan, domestic, random.

Last Saturday, among other things, it was the location of the “Dunk-A-Cop” fundraiser for the Boys & Girls Club, sponsored by the Laguna Beach Police Employees’ Assn. Good-natured Parking Services Officer Mary Spease helped raise about $1,000 by getting dunked throughout the day.

A couple of the softballs — thrown by large guys with scruffy beards and sagging board shorts — were thrown so hard that they ricocheted dangerously around the boardwalk, no doubt a testament to the city’s enthusiasm for parking.

Main Beach has this effect. Every group has a story, every sign a message. It is our public square, both formal and ad hoc. Official groups get a permit to hang their shingles on the cobblestones, allowing them to erect booths.

The Craft Guild is popular, along with the various art and music groups, including the Laguna Plein Air Painters Assn. and the Laguna Beach Community Concert Band.

Many are public service and outreach groups, such as the Laguna Beach Community Clinic, Glennwood House, American Red Cross, Relay for Life Cancer Campaign and the HIV Advisory Board.

And then there are the free-speech sidewalk dwellers. This is where it often gets interesting.

Like the Frisbee guy, all spins and elbows. With his floppy hat, high socks and goofy earnestness, you can’t help but feel like adopting him. Please, somebody.

Then there is the pigeon guy, who inexplicably feeds the pigeons to the point where they swarm him, sit on his head and do what birds do when they eat too much food.

We are not Venice Beach, but we have our moments.

All of this adds up to a certain reputation, a brand that says, “Laguna Beach, just the right amount of wrong — if you can find a parking space.”

Like it or not, we are judged by the outside world largely on the basis of Main Beach. Go to Trip Advisor or Yelp and look at the comments. The negative reviews are the most revealing.

People from the Midwest think Laguna is paradise, but they are easy to please. Critics hate the seaweed, flies, dirty bathrooms, cold water and overcrowding.

“Tourists choke this little town to death during the summer months,” wrote EuroAmerican Traveler on Trip Advisor. “Residents feel like prisoners in their homes.…The summer here is no fun anymore at all.”

“Don’t go to the beach at Laguna Beach!” fumed Marienkafer8 from Bath, United Kingdom. “Just come back from a holiday there and I don’t know what the local authority is playing at, but the beach is piled up with stinking, rotting piles of seaweed covered in blowflies. It is absolutely vile and has completely ruined what was once their best attraction. Why don’t they clean it up?”

That’s a good question.

Everyone has an opinion in this age of social media democracy, so there’s no guarantee we will stay at 4 1/2 stars of bliss.

Fortunately, tourists are fairly predictable in their reviews and desires. What they want is a clean, polite, fun experience. We deliver that for the most part, but we could do better.

In the meantime, the parade on Main Beach helps satisfy the unrelenting tourist craving.

Always quirky, awkward and embarrassing, but at least we show up.

DAVID HANSEN is a writer and Laguna Beach resident. He can be reached at davidhansen@yahoo.com.