She's not coming. I am so bummed. No I'm not. That's a total lie. Assuming you didn't just blow in from Saturn, you know the latest on Lindsay Lohan of course. Lindsay was bad, cried in court, went to jail then got out, which often happens.
She was supposed to check into a rehab facility in Newport Beach but the judge nixed that and told her to report forthwith to a facility at UCLA, which leads us to believe the judge is a Trojan.
Would Lohan have caused a stir here? With the media, yes. With the locals, not so much. If you plan to be a celebrity bad girl/bad boy and raise some hell in Newport-Mesa, the bar has been set very high.
You think you'll get attention because you've been on two covers, done three films and been arrested four times? Please. Where do you think you are? La Habra? Just because your life is falling apart is not nearly enough around here.
Ideally, it should blow up, in public, more than once, shattering windows and leaving debris up and down PCH. Let's see. Where does one begin? Oh, I know — Julie Kitaen. Doesn't ring a bell? Try this: Julie "Tawny" Kitaen.
Tawny Kitaen could legitimately be called an actress and model, having done more than a little episodic TV and a number of feature films, most notably as Tom Hank's fiancé in "Bachelor Party" in 1984. She also appeared in a number of music videos for the heavy metal group "Whitesnake" and later married the group's lad singer, David Coverdale.
Their 1987 video, "Here I Go Again," has become a cult classic, thanks in no small part to Tawny Kitaen who, for reasons that cannot be explained, appears every few seconds in a flowing white negligee doing cartwheels and/or lounging on top of a pair of Jaguars XL's, one black and one white. Actually, the cartwheels are pretty impressive, considering she's doing them on the hood of a car.
Ironically, just this week, You Tube announced that the "Here I Go Again" video has exceeded 1 million hits even though it's only been online for a little over a year. Is it Tawny's cartwheels, or the scary big '80s hair that keeps the You Tubers coming back for more? Not sure, but I'm thinkin' both. There wasn't much to report on the Tawny Kitaen front until December 2001, which marked her first run-in with Newport Beach police for allegedly keying another woman's car.
Since then, you'd need an iPad to keep track of all her misadventures, but one stands out above all the rest. Kitaen entered the Newport-Mesa Bad Girl/Bad Boy Hall of Fame on April 1, 2002, when she and her then-husband, baseball big dog Chuck Finley, were driving home in Newport Beach after a party.
A difference of opinion transpired, and as Finley was driving, Kitaen emphasized her points by jabbing him repeatedly with her high heels and trying to pull off his ear. See? Beautiful people, fancy cars, Manolo Blahnik lacerations — that's what I'm talking about. Watch and learn, Ms. Lohan, watch and learn.
I will say one thing about having someone stab you with their heels and trying to pull your ear off while you're driving — it makes texting seem not so bad. Kitaen has also been a regular on VH-1's "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," which I am proud to say I have never heard of, let alone seen.
Apparently, it is a reality series with celebrities, sort of, who reveal all, or almost all, about their struggles with addiction. Here is the best part: One of the show's "life coaches" is Gary Busey, who is there to help everyone recover. Yeah. That'll help.
And that brings us to the undisputed Bad Boy King of Newport Beach — Dennis Rodman. It's depressing with Dennis gone I tell you. The place just isn't the same without him. Rodman moved to Newport Beach in 2000 and over the years, the Newport Beach police responded to some 70 calls directing them to the Rodman residence, most of them having to do with loud parties, loud being an understatement.
It was hard not to notice Rodman around town, being 6'8", with a selection of hair colors none of which can be found in nature, and roaring around Newport Harbor in a huge powerboat called "Sexual Chocolate."
Rodman memorialized his own remarkably, um, unique life in a number of autobiographical books, "Bad as I Wanna Be," "Walk on the Wild Side," and his most honest title, in 2005, "I Should Be Dead by Now."
During one of his New York book tours, Rodman revealed that he was going to marry a beautiful, intelligent person. The next day, he stepped from a horse-drawn carriage in full-on wedding day drag, white dress, train, veil and bouquet, and announced that he was marrying himself. Did Rodman do reality TV? Absolutely.
He was a featured guest on — wait for it — "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew." Tawny Kitaen, Dennis Rodman and some mentoring from Gary Busey. What could go wrong?
I think that's it. Kickin' it with Tawny and Dennis the Menace. Lindsay, we hardly knew ye'. You would have loved it here, but I'm sure you can turn Westwood on its head within a week. Free your mind, open your heart, and remember, the first step on the road to recovery — try not to pull anyone's ear off while they're driving. I gotta go.
PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.Copyright © 2015, Los Angeles Times