She also spoke of how they met at a dance and fell in love.
Mitt Romney: probably a good president, DEFINITELY a good designated driver.
(Rex W. Huppke, writing from Chicago, will be casting the same satirical light on the Democratic convention next week.)
Can you say 'job creators' again and again? 8:33 PM CDT
The big night kicked off with Sen. Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire taking the stage and talking about how well she knows how to use a snow plow (blatant pandering to snow-plow enthusiasts) and how President Obama is incompetent because he never ran a lemonade stand.
The Obama campaign immediately released details on 27 lemonade stands Mitt Romney's former company, Bain Capital, purchased in the 1990s and drove into bankruptcy.
The speakers that followed tried to see who could use the phrase "job creators" the most. The early winner of that game appeared to be Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who quickly hustled backstage to claim his prize a bear hug from New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
While all this was happening, former GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich was on CNN calling Obama a socialist. Actual socialists across the country were throwing their hands up in the air and writing blog posts about how they're misunderstood.
Ron Paul walks the floor. 3:49 PM CDT
As the GOP convention began this afternoon, stodgy Fox News' commentator Brit Hume opted to keep talking on air while the convention crowd sang the National Anthem. Hume was swiftly deported to his native Harumphistan.
Former GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul — who has refused to fully endorse Mitt Romney and possibly thinks our economy should be based on beaver pelt trading — was met with wild cheers as he walked onto the convention floor. Paul's fervent fans have the potential to embarrass Romney at the convention and will likely be kept in a separate room along with Sarah Palin, Missouri Rep. Todd Akin and Ted Nugent.
The big event tonight will be Ann Romney's prime-time speech, in which she'll attempt to humanize her husband, who many believe has the warmth and authenticity of a well-dressed Roomba.
She recently tried to show that Mitt Romney is a regular guy by bragging about the shirts he bought at a Costco. That tale of price-conscious shopping might have been more effective if Ann Romney hadn't recently been at the Olympics with the couple's dressage horse, Rafalca, taking in the majesty of horse ballet.
Rafalca, presumably, would not be caught dead wearing a Costco saddle.
"Republican-palooza" takes the stage. 1:50 PM CDT
Hello, and welcome to the first installment of "Unconventional," your easy-to-use guide to the Republican and Democratic national conventions.
Today will be the first full day of the GOP National Convention in Tampa, following a one-day delay caused by the threat of Hurricane Isaac. (The convention was reportedly saved after Newt Gingrich lumbered to the end of Pier 60 on nearby Clearwater Beach and drove the storm away by giving it a lecture on British colonialism.)
One of the early highlights of Republican-palooza is the "debt clock" that hangs in the convention hall, which the Washington Post described as a "theatrical flourish designed to remind Americans just how rapidly the government's tide of red ink is mounting under President Barack Obama."
The clock doesn't subtract the debt incurred under former President George W. Bush (a couple of wars, a Medicare prescription plan, a few new hearts for Dick Cheney), the clearest evidence yet that most Republicans suffer from Convention Deficit Disorder.
Another surprise twist from the Republican National Committee? Female delegates will actually be allowed to bring their reproductive systems to the convention! Any use of "the v-word," however, is strictly prohibited.
The real show begins this evening when conservative heroes like Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (unions hate him!) and Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell (transvaginal ultrasound manufacturers love him!) take the stage.
Also speaking is former presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who not long ago described Romney as the "worst Republican in the country to run against President Obama." LOL, those were crazy times, right? Anyhoo, now he totally loves the Mittster and will speak about how Obama is recklessly taking the work requirement out of the nation's welfare program, allowing the lazy poor to luxuriate in their fancy hovels and live off government checks.
This is a claim that has been debunked by every reputable fact-checking organization, but remains a key attack line in Romney's campaign. As Romney pollster Neil Newhouse told ABC News today (and I'm not making this up): "We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers."
In response to that statement, the Republican Party quickly updated its convention platform to include the following line: Facts are stupid and fat and we hate them.