Mr. President, life is better than good

This is one of those fun-but-tricky columns to write, since I have to turn it in before the election's over, but you will be reading it afterwards.

(Assuming, that is, the election has been decided by this Sunday. We didn't have another election like in 2000, did we? Did Pat Buchanan get some more votes in Florida? How's the Supreme Court leaning these days?)

But I will assume you readers now know who won. And being the cheery, optimistic fellow I am, who accentuates the positive, eliminates the negative, and doesn't mess with Mr. In-Between, I offer you this reassuring pre-election postelection analysis:

The fine person you have elected president — whoever that might be — will do a magnificent job and solve all our problems. We know that, because he told us so himself, right?

Happiness and prosperity will reign across the nation.

Everybody will have a job. (Unless you're a lazy bum who doesn't want to work, like me.) And all the jobs will have three-week annual vacations, pensions, and Christmas bonuses.

The stock market will keep rising and rising. Everybody will make money, without even having to work!

The Republicans and Democrats in Congress will stop fighting each other and come up with happy compromises. In fact, John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell will announce they're all sharing a beach house for the summer.

Inspired by the warm fuzzy atmosphere in Washington, the Redskins will win the Super Bowl and the Nationals will win the World Series. All four years.

Amazingly, there will be such a thing as a free lunch.

No more droughts. The corn will be as high as an elephant's eye.

Your laundry will be whiter, brighter, wrinkle-free and will have that fresh, sparkling-clean smell.

Everyone will have affordable health care, which will be individually administered by a gorgeous redheaded nurse, wearing a crisp white uniform, one of those cute little caps and … whoa, that's enough of my personal fantasy.

The new James Bond movie will be the best ever. Or at least as good as "Goldfinger."

Tom and Katie will get back together.

Tom and Katie also will get back together. (That's Tom Fribish and Katie Marmelstein, two friends of mine from college. You don't know them.)

The terrorists will all say, "Heck, I give up," shave off their beards and seek new careers as massage therapists.

New miracle cures will eradicate gout, bad breath, toenail fungus and male pattern baldness. Also, you will stop itching in that place between your shoulder blades that you never can reach.

Obesity rates will plummet, thanks to one amazing invention: the zero-calorie Cinnabon.

Public television and radio will get so many donations, their pledge drives will no longer be needed. In fact, they'll have so much money, they'll give their spare cash to the government.