As you know, the U.S. recognizes a Thanksgiving tradition whereby the president gets to free the White House turkey from being cooked. Dozens of economic advisers have been known to run for the exits fearing their name will be called in place of the turkey’s. The liberated turkey is sent out to a turkey retirement home shared by former campaign advisers to the party that didn’t win the White House along with a select group of NFL coaches.
But seriously, this is the month for roasting turkeys. Toss out that carne asada. Hold off on the tamales. November is the month of the big bird (sorry Sesame Street), and he, a tom, or she, a hen, is a challenge. So get your shoes out of the oven. It’s time to fire it up for the big day.
My dad loved Phyllis Diller, who recently passed away. She wasn’t much of a cook, and she was quick to point that out, but she was a heck of a comedian. She did a monologue on her bad cooking when she burned a saucepan of gravy and had to call the fire department. The firefighters broke down the door and rushed to the smoky, burning pan in the kitchen. She got them all to turn the big wooden spoon in the pan. The whole kitchen began to revolve, and Diller laughed hysterically at this point recounting the story. She laughed a lot in her monologues, and it was infectious. In the end the family went out for Chinese.
But you can do it. Forget about the mayonnaise coating on the big bird. Forget about the vegan turkey made of textured soy protein. A friend says it’s good, but nobody believes him, and who is willing to risk it? The drumsticks just don’t hold up. We all don’t have to eat like we live in San Francisco. Also, none of those tricky paper tents work so the big bird doesn’t burn. It’ll burn. Give that part to the person who wasn’t invited anyhow. The paper wrappings catch on fire and just let you know that your smoke alarm detector is dead and has been at least since last Thanksgiving when Uncle Tony took out the battery to use in his hearing aid. That’s when the napkins and plastic forks stored in the oven caught fire and melted. Aunt Josie was right all along. “Forget the tent. We’re not camping or anything.”
This is a serious time for cooks. Roasting or frying a turkey is no easy task, which is made more difficult since most of us do it once a year at most. So, there are turkey cooking hotlines sponsored by the USDA, NPR, Butterball, and Martha Stewart for us to call when that little pop-up doesn’t pop up and the whole thing is turning black and we’re freaking out. What can they tell us for goodness sake? “Check the temperature of the turkey to see that it is cooked to the approved temperature of 185 degrees. If not, put it back in the oven (clear out the melted forks first). Each year Americans die of undercooked poultry. Thank you for calling and buy Butterball turkeys.” The people who die from turkey have probably swallowed the little pop-up thing. Hey, RIP, but look at what’s on your fork first, OK?
The NPR hotline has homey recipes for cranberry sauce by announcers who aren’t working anymore and have lots of time to write these recipes. They, too, live on the turkey farm with the freed turkeys.
But chin up. Remember to defrost on time. And if all else fails, there’s always Chinese or takeout pizza. Happy Thanksgiving.
Rich Ryan is a resident from El Centro.
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