By Ruth Westheimer, King Features Syndicate
September 26, 2012
Q: My boyfriend of three years is the love of my life. He makes me feel wanted, sexy, safe, beautiful. He is always telling me how sexy I am and what a great body I have. We have great sex five to six times per week, depending on our work schedules.
He looks at porn when I am not home to satisfy himself. He's always been open about this, and I have always been fine with it, until recently.
We have just moved in together, and for some reason now I feel differently about it. I think before, it was "out of sight, out of mind." But I was curious the other day and looked at his computer. Once I knew what he was actually watching, it made me feel incredibly insecure. Nothing wacky, just your average stuff, but actually getting a visual made me feel bad about myself.
We talk about everything. Should I talk to him about how I'm feeling? I feel really torn about this. I don't want him to stop looking, because that's just not realistic, and he pays plenty of attention to me. Should I just let it go?
A: I understand that having him look at porn within your home is different, but I would tell you to let it go. He's having sex with you as much as you would want. He treats you well otherwise and you didn't mind before — so to bring it up now probably would not be productive. This is especially so because you invaded his privacy.
If you'd left well enough alone, you wouldn't be feeling this way. I acknowledge that having a pipeline to an enormous quantity of porn in every home is a problem. It's a temptation for men, and it makes women feel bad. But I'm not sure what the solution is, and because it's not contributing to any other problems between the two of you, putting this out of your mind seems to be the best course for you, or so I believe.
Q: My wife and I have been married for 23 years. The sex is great, except for one problem: During foreplay, I can do oral sex and bring her to orgasm, but I can't put my finger in her vagina or touch her clitoris. What could be the problem?
A: Some women have a very delicate clitoris, and it seems that while a moist tongue doesn't hurt her — and in fact is very pleasing to her — the touch of your finger does. You could try putting some lubrication on your finger and see if that might help. But as long as things are working — meaning you're both feeling sexually satisfied after you have sex — I wouldn't be too concerned.
Q: I have caught my husband, several times, sexting other women. On Facebook, his cellphone, emails, etc. He claims to not be sleeping with any of these women. But yet, we have had fewer and fewer nights together making love. Last month, we made love only three times. I don't know if he is getting it somewhere else. Or is the sexting enough?
I don't know what to do. I feel deprived and frustrated.
A: He may not yet be cheating physically, but if his habits are having an impact on your relationship, then something needs to be done before matters get out of hand.
Since you asked the question whether he is getting "it" elsewhere, maybe things are worse than you know.
I would strongly urge the two of you to see a sex therapist or a marriage counselor. Try to get to the bottom of this before the bottom gets too deep to be treatable.
Q: I'm 20 and I've been having sex for about four years. I am currently with a stable partner, whom I have been with for just over a year.
I am on the pill, and neither of us has any infections; however, when we have sex and he ejaculates inside of me, it burns and stings around my vaginal opening. The pain lasts for about an hour, and it's very uncomfortable. Sometimes it hurts during sex too, but usually if he ejaculates outside of me, then it isn't so bad, but it still stings a little. It's not a lubrication problem. Any ideas?
A: It sounds as if you're allergic to his semen. It's something that's known to occur. Some people believe that you can change semen according to what you eat. I have no idea whether that's possible, but perhaps he eats a lot of something that somehow affects his semen, so check out his diet. Of course, just because you say you don't have infections, has a doctor confirmed this? That, too, could be the cause.
Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50" (Quill Driver Books) is Dr. Ruth Westheimer's latest book. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com.
Distributed by King Features Syndicate