Q: I am 22 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about five months. He is 21, and I do not think he has very much experience (or he has been with younger girls who do not know what they are doing). I have tried to tell him that foreplay is important to me, but he does not seem to get it. I am not sure how to bring it up again. What can I say that will get through to him? I am very attracted to him, and he is to me as well. He is someone who, in all other aspects of our relationship, if I say that something is not working, he immediately makes a change. So I am not sure why sex has been so different.
A: While there could be a few reasons, my guess is that it's a fear of losing his erection. He's thinking: "What if I lose my erection and can't perform? Let's get this done as soon as possible, while I'm very excited, so that I won't have to worry about this fear of failure."
So yourjobis to prove him wrong. And this won't be only for your sake, because eventually he'll learn that by waiting for you to be ready, he'll experience greater pleasure in the end. Here's one suggestion for how to do this: The next time you have sex, ask him for two minutes of foreplay. That won't be enough for you, especially if you're feeling pressured, but it will be hard for him to deny you only two minutes. Once he's learned that he can last two more minutes, make it five. And then 10. Slowly he'll come to the realization that he can either maintain his erection or get it back, and then if he really isn't the selfish type, he will give you the foreplay you need.
Q: My wife and I had an amazing sex life. Then, just within the past eight months, she's been saying she's not into sex anymore. She compromises with me, and we have sex twice a week. I'm a very sexual person, and we've talked about it. To her, sex is just sex; to me, it's more than that. It has a lot more meaning than just sex, to me. She got to the point where she told me to find it somewhere else but still be with her. I can't do that. I love her very much.
She tells me that sex isn't important to her in our relationship. She wants the companionship and everything else, just not the sex part of it. I've tried a lot of different things to make it more exciting for her, but she doesn't really respond all that much. Every time we do make love, she reaches orgasm and says it's amazing with me. I'm confused. She doesn't work, and the kids are in school; they're old enough to take care of themselves, like cook and clean for themselves, so there's not really any stress there. Any advice?
A: Stress can be caused in many different ways. For example, you say that now the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. Maybe that makes your wife doubt her worth. Maybe she thinks she's not contributing enough to either her family or society. If her level of self-esteem has gone down, and particularly if that's making her feel depressed, then of course this situation is going to lower her libido. Now, this is just a guess on my part, based on what you wrote. There could be other reasons. If she went to see a counselor, she might be able to get to the bottom of this, and it might be something the two of you can fix.
Clearly, her lack of desire is a symptom. Figuring out exactly what issue it's a symptom of will provide the two of you with some direction on how best to deal with this situation.
Q: I'm pregnant, and I don't feel very attractive to my husband. He has been masturbating a lot lately, and it's hurting my feelings. How can I get him to understand how I'm feeling? Also, I recently had a procedure, and my doctor told us to refrain from sex for at least three weeks, and this is not helping. Please help!
A: The first thing you need to do is ask your doctor exactly what was meant by the word "sex." Was it just intercourse? Are you able to have orgasms if your husband provides them in other ways? Assuming that you can do everything but have intercourse, the two of you still could have sex, and you both could have orgasms. And even if the doctor didn't want you to have orgasms, you could give your husband orgasms.
He's probably feeling like he doesn't want to hurt you in any way, especially just for the sake of his sexual needs, so he's staying away from you physically. He needs to understand that even if you two are not having sex, you both need to remain physically close, and part of that may entail you providing him with orgasms even if the two of you can't engage in sex the way you used to.
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