Dear United Airlines: We'd like to suggest these 8 favors for the rest of us

United Airlines planes sit on the tarmac at San Francisco International Airport on July 8, 2015. Thousands of United Airlines passengers worldwide were grounded that week by a computer glitch.

By Christopher Reynolds

Sept. 9, 2015 1:09 PM PT

Dear United Airlines management,

I’ve always thought we were friends. And now -- reading about your top executives’ alleged kindnesses toward a big shot at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey – I realize there’s an easy way to be sure.

I just have a few requests. Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to reinstate a money-losing flight between Newark and Columbia, S.C., just to ease my weekend escapes. (That would be crazy, right?) But it would mean so much to me if you could just:

Charge me $20 per checked bag, instead of $25 for the first bag and $35 for the second. Just for the sake of goodwill. (Or, of course, you could also charge me nothing for those bags, the way Southwest Airlines does it.)
Cut the price for your Chex Mix snack from $3.99 to $2.99. (Or, just for giggles, you could match Walmart’s price of $1.98 for an 8.75-ounce bag.)
Show up on time a little more often. It says here that 76% of your flights arrived on time in the first half of 2015, which ranked you ninth among the 12 major carriers.
Lose people’s bags just a little less often. It says here that in the first half of 2015, your mishandled-baggage rate was slightly worse than the industry average.
Try not to sell more tickets than you have seats. It’s annoying that any airline still does this in 2015, of course. And in this category, too, you were below average in the first half of 2015.
Try not make people like me so angry. When it comes to consumer complaints, you’ve been getting more than the industry average.
Relax. And help your gate and flight crews to do the same. Now that you’re done fussing with that pesky Newark-Columbia flight, and rid of those three top executives who are under investigation, there should be plenty of time to focus on satisfying the rest of us.
Keep the Gershwin theme song. I can’t get enough of that “Rhapsody in Blue” clarinet.