Some movies are so bad, you just walk out and pray you can find enough alcohol to kill the brain cells holding those memories. Others, like Red Riding Hood, inspire the audience to openly mock the hideousness on screen. Normally, I would want to stop them, but the people in the crowd with me were more entertaining than the film.
Amanda "Oh What Big Eyes She Has" Seyfried stars as Valerie - the most beautiful girl in a town that exists on the edge of a very dark forest. She has been promised to Henry (Max Irons) in an arranged marriage, but Valerie is in love with a buff woodsman, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez, who has a very modern haircut, even though this movie is supposed to take place in something like medieval times, did they have hair product in the dark ages?).
The entire town lives in fear of a mysterious, voracious werewolf who is kept satisfied with a regular sacrifice every full moon, but the peace reached between the townspeople and the monster is breached when Valerie's sister is killed by the beast. Now, the townspeople want to rid themselves of the wolf, and summon a preacher, Solomon (Gary Oldman), and his henchmen to do the deed.
What will happen when the wolf makes it clear he wants Valerie next?
Who is the wolf?
If everyone involved with Red Riding Hood put as much effort into the script as they did the look and colors in the movie, it wouldn't have stunk so bad. I guess they felt it was better to look good than to be good.
Director Catherine Hardwicke was brought in to fill Red Riding Hood with the same angst and love triangle drama she brought to the first Twilight movie, but everyone keeps their shirt on in this film, which leaves her delivering an awkward, off-putting, weird movie instead of one full of passion and lust. Hardwicke doesn't heat up the audience and get our pulse pounding. She leaves us feeling icky, when we are not laughing at the outrageously bad dialogue from David Johnson.Scenes between Valerie and the wolf hint at something steamy and sinister, but leave you wondering why the wolf looks so cheap and why Seyfried is barely giving the effort and ability we know her for. Every twist and turn seems to be the wrong choice for the movie and each character's development. Characters who are supposed to evoke some gothic feel are just odd.
Eventually, you feel like you are watching a parody of a fairy tale, instead of something worth the price of admission.
0 Waffles (Out of 4)
Red Riding Hood is rated PG-13 for violence and creature terror, and some sensuality.Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times