Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew.
Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
[during a fight with his business partner named Hugh]
Larry: F*** Hugh. F*** Huuuuugh.
Jeff Greene: [referring to Larry] He's a victim of circumstance.
Richard Lewis: [after Larry asks for his meditating style back] No, you can't be an East Indian giver.
Cheryl: Actually, this weekend is the big NRDC benefit we've been working on for months, Alanis Morisette is going to be there...
Wanda: Why don't we just call the terrorists and ask them to pick a weekend more suitable for you?
[Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesn't know how to fix it]
Larry: [to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.
[People are ignoring him]
Larry: I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?
Larry: I am not obsessed with asses.
Wanda: Ok, assy. And what is all that s*** all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?
[Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wanda's butt]
Larry: Ok, Wanda...
Wanda: Oh, you know who I am, ok. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass.
Larry: OK, you completely misinterpreted that...
Wanda: How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out 'Hey, Big Ass Wanda'.
Larry: I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello.
Wanda: Is that how you say hello?
Larry: Uh, well...
Wanda: 'Hey big ass' or 'Hey assy' or 'Hey I know your ass'. What is that? That's not how you say hello.
Larry: Perhaps not.
[In the women's room, which Larry had to use, he puts his water bottle in his pants instead of the trash to avoid being recognized]
Producer's daughter: [enters] Hi mister. Thanks for fixing my doll. [hugs him]
Larry: Aww, don't worry about it sweetheart.
Producer's daughter: [looks at him, scared, and runs out] Mommy, mommy. The old man's in the bathroom, and he's got something hard in his pants.
Hugh Mellon: Larry!
Hugh Mellon: Tell me you're enjoyin' yourself!
Hugh Mellon: Glad you could make it.
Wanda: Why'd you fire the black man?
Larry: I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, *black* man can *never* do anything *wrong*, at least to get fired from a job! Black people *always* do everything right!
Wanda: [Walks over to TV, pushes button, fixes it] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
Wanda: I thought I'd never say this but Larry is right
Man: Are you Jewish?
Larry David: You want to check my penis?
Jeff Greene: [Jeff is carting around Suzie's dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.
Larry David: It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn't happen that often.
Richard Lewis: Can't we have lunch or something and discuss this?
Larry: I can't.
Richard Lewis: Why not?
Larry: I've been auctioned off for some charity.
Richard Lewis: What is this, "Roots"?
Cheryl: [Larry discusses becoming a restaurant host] I thought you didn't like talking to people.
Larry David: I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.
Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?
Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this?
Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!
Jeff Greene: We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!
Larry: [Larry's house has been spray painted by trick-or-treaters he has offended and he's reporting it to cops] They don't deserve candy and I don't deserve this: "Bald A**hole"? That's a hate crime!
Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you're not going to pause it?
Jeff Greene: I'm not a pauser, I don't like pausing.
Larry David: Well, that's rude, I'll miss it.
Jeff Greene: I'll rewind it when you come back.
Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it'll give it away!
Jeff Greene: There's no story! Give what away? There's bosoms! That's it!
[after leaving a terrible dinner party]
Larry: What's the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?
Cheryl: Well, I'd have to say at least an 8.7.
Larry: 8.7? That's not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9.
Cheryl: It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.
Larry: Pity points. That's fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?
[Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn]
Larry: Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean... what? That it could have been a barn? There's no cows in barns. There's cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don't think that was the barn.
Larry: I think we made the wrong turn.
[Larry receives flowers from a doctor he promised to give 5, 000 dollars to]
Cheryl: Are those from your mistress and you just haven't told me?
Larry: I wish. [He gives the flower guy a tip]
Cheryl: Did you give him a five thousand dollar tip?
Larry: Nice house.
Susie: Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.
Larry: Naw, it's ok.
Susie: No, come on.
Larry: No, it's ok. I-I get it.
Susie: You get it?
Larry: Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.
Susie: You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the f*** out of my house, Larry.
Larry David: [to president of ABC] Here's a question for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?
Larry: We're going to put sweet potatoes on the menu... because you can't find sweet potatoes anywhere else, have you noticed that.
Cheryl: Oh, everyone's noticed that.
Larry: You don't work. You're unemployed.
Cheryl: Loving you is my job, Larry.
Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
[Larry is on a bad trip, looking in a bathroom mirror]
Larry's reflection: What are you looking at? You see something? Huh?
Larry: Wh- What did I do?
Larry's reflection: What did you do? You know what you did! You did nothing!
Larry: If you want me to do something, just tell me!
Larry's reflection: You've got to change the diet, I've told you about that. I don't want the red meat, you're eating the red meat. I don't like that!
Larry: I'm doing the best I can.
Larry's reflection: Go to a doctor. Get yourself a checkup. Colonoscopy, you afraid to get a colonoscopy? What's the matter with you?
Larry: I'm sorry.
Larry's reflection: Everybody gets it! Get a colonoscopy!
Larry: I'm really going to do it.
Larry's reflection: You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up. You going to get a card?
Larry: [nodding] Okay.
Larry's reflection: You're not going to get a card! You're not going to do a f***ing thing!
Larry: I'll try and do better. I will.
Larry's reflection: TV! TV! TV! That's what you like to do! Read a f***ing book!
Larry: Okay, yeah, you're right! You know everything!
Larry's reflection: Who the f*** do you think you're talking to!
[Getting out of jury duty]
Larry: Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro.
[Larry has just offended a rabbi]
Nat David: He doesn't know what he's doing.
Cheryl's Mom: He really doesn't.
Cheryl: No, he's...
Larry: What do they say in The Bible? "He knows not... whereof he... "
Rabbi: Don't try, don't try to quote The Bible.
Larry: "... he speaks not?... "
Rabbi: Just, just don't try...
Larry: "... forked tongue?... He knows not whereof he... whence he speaks?... "
Cheryl's Mom: Okay!
Nat David: Larry... if you could be quiet.
[Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk]
Larry: Is that you?
Rabbi: That's... that's Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th.
Larry: Oh my gosh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Rabbi: Yeah. Terrible.
Larry: He was in the building?
Rabbi: No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.
Rabbi: Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit 'em.
Larry: [Long pause] What a shame.
[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]
Cheryl: "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."
Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?
Cheryl: Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?
Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in... "'til death do us part, " I thought it was...
Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?
Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.
Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.
Larry: Alright, let's roll!
Rabbi: What? "Let's roll"? What did you say?
Rabbi: You knew my brother-in-law died on September 11th! How dare you say something like that!
Larry: With all due respect, wasn't that just a coincidence?
Rabbi: Oh, what the...
Larry: Alright, poor choice of words...
Rabbi: What the hell kind of a...
Larry: Alright, that's long gone...
Rabbi: You know, I don't wanna do this. Forget it. Forget it.
Larry: Oh, I didn't know, I didn't know that if you, that if you, you died UPTOWN on 9/11 that it was, that it was part of it, uh... the tragedy.
[Larry and Cheryl - and their parents - are talking to the rabbi about renewing their vows]
Rabbi: Right, so then uh, I'll, uh... do the blessing, uh, the last blessing, just a little bit of Hebrew, and then I will put the glass on the floor, and we'll step on it, and that'll be it.
Cheryl's Dad: That's when everybody yells "a matzoh toff"?
Rabbi: No no, it's "mazeltov". It means good luck.
Cheryl's Dad: Could we say "yippee!" or something?
Cheryl's Mom: Or "good luck" or something?
Cheryl's Dad: "Hallelujah" would be good.
Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!
Larry: First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay?
Richard: You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen?
Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny.
Larry: Yeah, okay.
Richard: You better call me by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me?
Richard: How could you not help a blind man?
Larry: How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?
Blind Man: Oh pleeeeeeease, don't... Larry: You called him a blind man right in front of him.
Richard: No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got...
Blind Man: Oh no, no, no no...
Richard: I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I...
Blind Man: Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me.
Richard: No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really...
Blind Man: No no!
Richard: ...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so...
Blind Man: Oh really?
Larry: Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems.
Blind Man: Ohhhhhh.
Richard: I do have problems! I had...
Larry: Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing!
Richard: It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same...
Blind Man: Yeah, right.
Larry: We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya?
Larry David: I pee sitting down.
Jeff Greene: You pee sitting down?
Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff Greene: No!
Larry David: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff Greene: What are you reading?
Larry David: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff Greene: What stuff?
Larry David: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
Jeff Greene: Twenty times?
Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
Jeff Greene: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?
Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!
Jeff Greene: You don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication!
Larry: [Larry is making small talk during a long, boring car ride with Cheryl] You ever had a fresh grape? Huh? I've had... I've had fresh *apples*. Never had a fresh *grape*. Never... had a fresh *cherry*. Never had a fresh *pear*. Never *seen* a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.
Larry David: [to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.
Larry David: This is called a Swiss Army Knife. Do you know what Switzerland is?
Tara Michaelson: No, what's that?
Larry David: Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Thor The Wrestler: I've got three kids in there scared half to death because some bald headed *turd* is shootin' at 'em!
Larry: No, sir, we were, we were... we were playing cowboys and indians...
Thor The Wrestler: Hey, you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence!
Larry: No, I'm not a violent...
Thor The Wrestler: Shut up! You know what's you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of twisted steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will *body slam* you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. Hear me? Don't you ever... ever... *ever* point another finger at my kids again, because if you do, I will break it off and shove it right up your sphincter.
Krazee-Eyez Killa: So you think you gonna cross me and mess with my s***? Opening your f***ing trap and flapping your lip. Don't f*** with me nigga or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop. If you say anything, you'll beg me to die, 'cause I'll make you suck my d*** then I'll nut in your eye. I'll stomp on your world as if my name was Godzilla. I'm coming for you mother f***er, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa.
Larry David: What are you doing there?
Man: A little plumbing.
Larry David: A little plumbing! Got to plumb! Plumb the depths! The depths of hell!
Larry David: Have you ever played telephone before? You don't even know how to play telephone, do you?
Cheryl: I *do* know how to play telephone.
Larry David: Oh, do you?
Cheryl: Yeah, but I usually play the "G" version. It's usually something like, "Susie lives down the lane."
Larry David: The kid didn't say "Susie lives down the lane," he said "I love tits!"
[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]
Larry David: Bulls***, that's not the tempo. Get out of here.
Blind Man: I think it is.
Larry David: What?
Blind Man: Pretty much.
Larry David: Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that.
Blind Man: Who?
Larry David: Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!
Blind Man: I don't even know what red is.
Larry David: Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.
Kim: An hour. In and out. Done. Boobs. Genius.
Marty Funkhouser: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry David: Many reasons.
Marty Funkhouser: Do you crap standing up?
Larry David: The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!
Ervin Schwimmer: [voice on Larry's answering machine] Larry David, this is Ervin Schwimmer. You scumsucking, motherf***ing a**hole! Just who the f*** do you think you are, you bald-headed son of a bitch?
Susie Greene: [shows Larry a gawdy, sequined shirt she has made] Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?
Larry: You know, it's nice.
Susie Greene: Yeah.
Larry: Not quite my cup of tea, but... y'know, uh, it's nice.
Susie Greene: All right, you know what? F*** you... and f*** your tea.
Cheryl: Okay, you know what? I think my friend Julie was just saying that the Beverly Park Country Club might be taking new members.
Susie Greene: Ah, eh... Larry: It's... pretty.
Cheryl: I think they're taking new members, and it's a beautiful country club...
Susie Greene: All right, look, I don't want to offend you, but there's like three f***in' Jews in the whole club, okay? It's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city...
Cheryl: Okay, you know what? I fit in with you guys all the time, for years I've been going to your thing, so...
Larry: How am I even gonna get by in the interview?
Susie Greene: [points at Larry] This one would stick out like a sore f***in' thumb, this Jewface over here.
Larry: Oh, I'm more of a Jewface than *you*?
Susie Greene: Hey, f*** you, Larry, okay? I didn't get us into this predicament!
Larry: I'm much more gentiley than you are!
Cheryl: Hi, Wandering Bear.
Wandering Bear: Hello. How is... your vagina?
Cheryl: It's... getting better.
Wandering Bear: Good!
Krazee-Eyez Killa: You ain't got no etiquette, muthaf***a!
Richard Lewis: Ya f***ed it up! You don't know how to use a goddamn cell phone!
Larry: It was a s*** cell phone!
Richard Lewis: A f***ing praying mantis could use that goddamn phone!
Susie Greene: [about Jeff] He *violates* me, Larry! He defiles me!
Larry: [Larry is on the phone ordering a "Girls Gone Wild" tape, using a ridiculous Art Fern type voice] Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.
Ben Stiller: You wouldn't even shake my hand the first time we met...
Larry David: You sneezed... you had snot all over your hand!
Ben Stiller: That was a dry sneeze, Larry!
Larry David: I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet!
[on finding out his birth parents are Christian]
Larry David: Oh, my God. I'm gentile.
Larry David: [considering whether he should give one of his kidneys to Richard Lewis] I gotta choose healthier friends...
Larry David: Hey, let me ask you something.
Larry David: Pretty good. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty good.Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times