MOVIE REVIEW: "Jack and Jill" $1/10

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Adam Sandler must have watched a rough cut of "Jack and Jill" at some point. I wonder if he thought twice about releasing it, knowing that it could open a vortex to another dimension and unleash a supernatural force that would destroy all of mankind. The phrase "chocolate squirties" has to appear in the book of Revelation.

For once, the trailers got something right - this is a cinematic fail of biblical proportions. Sandler gets the 90's gang back together - Michael Irvin, Dan Patrick, Jared from Subway, Katie Holmes, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Norm MacDonald, Dana Carvey, John McEnroe. They all have a good time, tape a few commercials, and probably get paid a few bucks. That's pretty much the plot of this movie.

Commercials, you ask? Within the first 10 minutes of "Jack and Jill," audience members are subjected to rapid fire drops for Pepto-Bismol, Dunkin' Donuts, Diet Coke, and American Airlines. It's like the sponsors demanded they get their airtime before the crowd walks out. A shame if they do, they'll miss YOUR ROYAL CARIBBEAN CRUISE EXPERIENCE, complete with montage featuring the Go-Go's "Vacation."

But it's all plausible, of course, because Sandler plays a commercial DIRECTOR. He's a successful family man who gets irritated when his sweaty, hairy twin sister with a wicked 5 o'clock shadow comes in for Thanksgiving. Of course, she's the most annoying woman in the world who annoys only one person in the world, her brother.

By now you're probably aware that Sandler also plays the sister. The movie never tries to do anything technically interesting with this concept. They keep Sandler at both ends of the frame, making cutting this everything together a simple process. There are a few scenes where the twins touch each other, and another where they play jump rope.

THE FUTURE IS HERE!

Now, there has to be something else to cover 90 minutes of waiting for the inevitable "moment where Jack finally learns to appreciate Jill" - enter a delusional, "WHERE AM I?!" Al Pacino. When Al, playing himself, runs into Jill at a Lakers game, it's love at first sight. What follows is an Oscar-shattering love chase.

I'm no Sandler hater. "Billy Madison," "Happy Gilmore," and "Big Daddy" remain comedic pleasures in my household. I was one of the few that really enjoyed "Grown Ups."

But there is simply no hope for "Jack and Jill," a movie that should have never risen past the drunken haze in which it was conceived. A comedy can succeed with a predictable plot and overdone storyline, but the jokes have to be REALLY good. There is really no effort here - even the must-have explosive-diarrhea-after-Mexican-food moment happens behind a bathroom door, with Sandler asking his sister if she is OK in there. COMEDY GOLD.

I suspect this film will live on, becoming one of those cult-classic duds. I can see crowds showing up to the Brew-and-View to watch a 10pm showing, drinking every time "chimichanga bombs" are mentioned. Do a shot every time the Mexican gardener says I'M KEEEEEEDING after making a joke about being an illegal immigrant. And save a massive Jaeger Bomb for Pacino's Dunkin' Donuts musical number, where he dances in the lobby of a DD wearing a suit jacket with a lining full of donuts.

Sorry, Al. No chance this one is getting burned from my memory!

"Jack and Jill" is aiming for a "Titanic"-like sweep at the Razzies. It earns a Leshock Value of $1 out of a possible $10.

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