This just in: CNN sucks

Yesterday the Supreme Court made a landmark ruling. A ruling so monumental, it will affect nobody I know. But now all poor people have health care. Or something like that. I’ll be honest, I don’t really know how this works. Luckily, neither does CNN.

News staffers at the cable network CNN, long the gold standard in television news, were on the verge of open revolt Thursday after CNN blew the coverage on the most consequential news event of the year.

As Chief Justice John Roberts began reading his decision on the future of President Obama's health care overhaul, the CNN team inside the courtroom jumped the gun, believing that Roberts was saying the individual mandate was unconstitutional and would be overturned.

“Fucking humiliating,” said one CNN veteran. “We had a chance to cover it right. And some people in here don’t get what a big deal getting it wrong is. Morons.”

A fourth CNN source noted simply “obviously, it’s embarrassing,” but defended legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, and stressed that it’s the challenge of breaking news.

Listen, up until yesterday I thought SCOTUS was a techno DJ -- I thought he opened for DeadMau5 or something -- so I’m not going to pretend like I understand anything about this law. I just want to talk to all the news organizations for a second, especially CNN. Chill the fuck out, fellas. It’s not a big deal if you deliver the news ten seconds after your competitors. We can wait. Despite what you believe, we’re not rabid monkeys with ADHD. Well, some of us are, but those guys are watching Tosh.0, they don’t care about the news. It’s more important that you take an extra minute and tell us something useful. This incident really highlights the downside of this “I want it now!” Internet era. Can you imagine if everyone showed such disregard for facts in an effort to get their news out quickly? Third-grade teachers would be like, “listen kids, Abe Lincoln freed the slaves, I think he liked equality but mostly he had to get back to fighting vampires, anyway that’s all for today, who else is hungry?” And then we’d have a nation of idiots who wanted to see Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires. It’s ridicu… oh, shit. DAMN YOU CNN, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!

 

Follow Tom on Twitter: @thefaketomz 

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