If Scarlett Johansson is the sexiest woman in the world, who is the man she'd most likely give the Rejection Hotline number to?
Squinty-eyed comic Gilbert Gottfried tops the list of the 100 Unsexiest Men in the World, according to the good folks at Boston's alternative news website ThePhoenix.com.
Associate editor Bill Jenson and writer Ryan Stewart compiled the list with the help of their co-workers and determined that "the parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman." Gottfried last reared his ugly head in the "dirtiest joke" documentary "The Aristocrats" and will next lend his unique voice to Bob Saget's upcoming "Farce of the Penguins."
Jensen emphasizes that this list is about who is unsexy versus ugly, which explains why Angelina Jolie's main squeeze Brad Pitt lands on the list at No. 100 because "He may look good, but if the rumors about his hygiene and BO issues are true, then he's probably not worth it." We're thinking that traveling to third world countries is no excuse, and he'll have to shape up to be a good role model for Maddox and his siblings.
The remainder of the Top 10 include: ballplayer Randy Johnson; film critic Roger Ebert; Dr. Phil ("Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who is also a bald-headed prick is downright horrid"); political pundit Alan Colmes ("lazy eye, unkept [sic] hair, droopy features -- has a face made for radio. Pirate radio. Garr!!); leonine Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger; REM bassist Mike Mills; Osama Bin Laden ("a 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass murdering douche bag is not getting any style points"); late night talk show host Jay Leno; and Don Imus because "It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but not in a good way."
According to the list, comedians may make the ladies laugh, but won't necessarily get the digits. Funnymen landing on the list include: Jon Lovitz (15); Carrot Top (16); Jerry Seinfeld (17); Chevy Chase (19); Chris Kattan (31); Al Franken (40); Andy Dick (47); Drew Carey (54); Rob Schneider (56); Dennis Miller (64); and Horatio Sanz (96).
Musicians and err, recording artists, also made a good showing in the unsexy category. Among the dubiously honored were: Beastie Boys' Mike D. (13); Guns 'N' Roses front man Axl Rose (25); Leif Garrett (46); Creed's sex tape star/lead singer Scott Stapp (48); ex-Mr. Julia Roberts, Lyle Lovett (49); the Cars' Ric Ocasek (50); John Popper (63); Meat Loaf (77); Art Garfunkel (80) and Mr. Popo Zao himself, Britney Spears' hubby Kevin Federline because "mooching hicks aren't so hot these days."
Perhaps the selection that has elicited the most ranting, raving and "interesting spellers" is "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken, who came in at No. 59.Copyright © 2015, Los Angeles Times