she'd be scarred for life.
No name newcomer Jenn Proske has K Stew down pat -- from her fluttering downcast eyes to her crooked little lip-biting trick, even the mannered way Miss
fiddles with her
Seriously, Miss Proske, well done.
Pity the movie she pulls of this mean, uncanny impersonation in bears the too apt title "Vampires Suck."
It's from the duo who gave us "Disaster Movie" and "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" and a lot of other lame parodies that Fox unleashes whenever there's a dead spot on the cinema calendar. Late August certainly qualifies.
"Suck" is a straight "Twilight" parody, a scene-by-scene vamp of the
vampire movies, with the odd "True Blood," "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "Gossip Girl," Kardashian and
gag tossed in. Even by the standards of these movies, which rely on an onslaught of jokey references -- a couple a minute -- to float, "Suck" sinks.
) and "Becca" (Proske) are the ill-fated lovers this time. Edward's family? The "Sullens." They all live in "Sporks"
, where the teen girl motto is "Once you go bat, you never go back." Jacob the teen wolf (Chris Riggi) has been reduced to a shirtless gay joke.
It's the sort of movie where "finger food" is offered at a party. And it's fingers. Haw.
A few snarky remarks about "teen angst," a funny spoiler scene where characters walk out of a "Twilight" movie and give away the plot to the whole series, cracks about Edward's "big hair and constipated look," that's about it.
native Arielle Kebel ("Aquamarine") is one of the fanged fiends.
are the only other faces I recognized. Jeong, whose screen appearances were, in order,
and now this, needs a better agent. That's not a career tumble, that's a plummet.
And Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer? Guys, you're making this parody business look awfully hard. So much to work with, and this is the best you could come up with?
See for Yourself
Cast: Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Ken Jeong.
Directors: Aaron Seltzer, Jason Friedberg
Running time: 1 hour, 25 minutes