Housewives are totally hot right now. So is California's Orange County. Wouldn't it be cool if there was some way for us to - OMG! - Bravo television, you people are geniuses! With "The Real Housewives of Orange County," it's like they've dropped their chocolate into our peanut butter. Holy cow! It is like two shows for the price of one! Assuming, of course, that we were paying for this and not stealing cable from the neighbors. Yeah, we should throw a party. Totally.
And remember, just like they say in Orange County, "Whatever happens in Mexico stays in Mexico - until the video production crew you've allowed to followed you around for the past seven months comes back to the states and starts the editing process."
Setting the scene:If you don't own or rent a McMansion already - think a charming but otherwise heartless and cold abode a la Nick and Jessica's during the "Newlyweds"- we suggest you go right out and get one. Otherwise head to the party rental supply place and load up on fake marble columns, ferns, glass and chrome coffee tables, and anything else that implies "I'm shallow and OK with that." In addition, fill the living room with potted palms and surf-related paraphernalia. If you can park a Mercedes in your living room, go for it. Also, hire local college kids to portray spoiled brats in tennis attire and Abercrombie to smoke and drink and be otherwise pouty in full view of your guests. Sporadically tell them to go back to college or that you found pot in their room - all for the amusement of your guests. We also recommend turning this into a pamper party, where you hire two or more hairstylists, manicurists and a board-certified Botox specialist to turn all interested guests into Orange County housewives.
Attire:A drink in your hand and a ring on your finger certainly sounds like a Britney Spears diary entry, but it is in fact the basic accessories needed to look the part in the gated communities of the O.C. Add to that some bling - oversized sunglasses, French maid outfit, red boa, lip gloss, highlights, tennis racket and the dangling keys to a Hummer to complete the ensemble.
On the menu:Orange County housewives only pretend to cook, so call a caterer and request duck a l'orange, crab cakes with orange dill sauce and a frozen orange souffle. Maybe some tapas and salsa - in a nod to the gardener. From there, a true O.C. housewife separates herself from the pack by mixing a mean cocktail: Tang with a moon shot and basically every other cocktail known to man. For those driving, straight O.J. Remember, people sue in O.C.
On the hi-fi:Cull your tunes from this selection of genuine Orange County musicians: No Doubt, surf guitar king Dick Dale, Jackson Browne, Jose Feliciano, the Offspring, Reel Big Fish, Save Ferris and the Righteous Brothers. That's a lot of talent for one county. If for some strange reason you need more, continue the California vibe with the Beach Boys or Randy Newman.
The showstopper:Other than rehab, few things say Orange County opulence than shiny, greenhouse-gas-emitting Hummers replete with chrome oversized dubs and a bumper sticker that reads "Sudden Stops for Soccer Games and Cute Pool Boys." Go to www.hummer.com and build your own. By the time you add the chrome fuel door for $180 you might as well go with the upgrade chrome package. Our $53,855 base price quickly ended up at $65,509. We should have never ordered it with a full tank of gas.Copyright © 2015, Los Angeles Times