They say some people are born into greatness while others have it thrust upon them. This feels a lot like a thrust.
If you've not yet caught "The Naked Trucker & T-Bones Show," you are missing one of the great sartorial options ever posed on national television: whether to embrace your white trash, redneck, polyester blend-inclined, studded belt-wearing ways ... or give up entirely and just go naked and sport a guitar to strategically cover the "comedy bits."
For reasons of pure self-preservation, we've chosen to look more closely at the fashion styling of Gerald "T-Bones" Tibbons (played by Dave Koechner), a man with the fashion sense of a boll weevil and the tact of Pol Pot with a runny nose. His style is hyperbole, yet he himself is an oxymoron - sans the oxy.
So just what is the "T-Bones" look? Let's first start with the body. If you've lifted more beer than weights in the past 10 years, the T-Bones physique is probably within reach. A hops-inspired mid-section helps test the weave of a poly-cotton blend short-sleeved pullover that says "J.C. Penney classic sportswear circa 1982." Brown or red in color with white racing stripes that travel the expansive eight inches from collar to cuff, this Bjorn Borg-inspired tennis shirt is equal parts snug and unapologetic. It says, "I may not be attractive, but be thankful I'm wearing a shirt - unlike the guy with the guitar."
In reality, mutton chops and an American flag should tell you all you need to know about T-Bones. But our favorite styling cue is his gratelike comb-over. Brylcreem and a hair pick give both separation and staying power for those particularly breezy days on the road. Remember, like the show itself, a quality comb-over is neither optimism nor pessimism but rather a healthy take on defeatism. If you've been blessed with a full head of hair, you'll never truly capture the T-Bones look and should probably strip down and take up the guitar. The rest of you can continue reading.
At the south end of the equation, a pair of Wrangler boot-cut jeans held up with a studded leather belt are made pure Americana only after the requisite wallet and chain are added - letting everyone know, "Sure, you can have my wallet, but I'm coming, too." On the wrist, he wears a studded leather watchband that hearkens back to Doobie Brothers concerts and AMC Pacers. At ground level, work boots that match the shirt, not the belt, are built for traversing the metaphorical dog doo T-Bones regularly steps in as he chases the American dream.
What's that smell? Why it's just one more step for mankind - T-Bones style.