This is a bit of a stretch for Telefashion. While we usually focus on the clothing - or, at the very least, the accessories - of a television character, this week we've chosen to dissect the grooming habits of a televised Neanderthal: Joel, from ABC's new Tuesday comedy ``Cavemen.''
As if a gift from the heavens, Telefashion's been given the ability to judge books by their covers, and Joel's cover is a thick mat of hair that would make Robin Williams' eyes water. His bushy brow, Fu Manchu and grunge band hairstyle leave us to assume he has not picked up a fashion magazine - ever.
It's not that we're against hair, per se. It's just the timing that seems odd. America became a hairless society in the early 1990s based largely on Calvin Klein underwear ads and global warming. And since then we've developed technology that uses lasers - LASERS! - to remove hair from every surface and crevice imaginable to look like a skink dipped in vegetable oil.
So, does poor Joel (Bill English) and the rest of the ``Cavemen'' cast stand a chance against a culture that worships the young, smooth chests of soap opera stars? We're going to go out on a limb here and say no - but that is based more on the fact that the show sucks.
But, God forbid, what if we're wrong? Will ``Cavemen'' usher in a return of machismo, where the sight of a gold chain partially hidden in a nest of chest hair make women's hearts go a-flutter just as they did with Burt Reynolds back in the '70s? Could Joel be the precursor to a time in the not too distant future when all bikini waxers fall silent? It's hard to say. But this time we're going to say yes, just to cover our bases.
Again, we're not talking about facial hair here, we're talking about body hair. Thanks to ABC, there may soon be a day when women no longer shave their legs and men's backs resemble the downy cuteness of a baby goose. You know when you kiss someone and you get a piece of their hair in your mouth and it kinda grosses you out? Well, get used to that feeling.
Until that time - or until ABC cancels this show - we live under the constant threat of people we know and love becoming hairy. Ewww! But there are things we can do to educate our loved ones - namely let them know that we will stop being their loved ones if they ever start to resemble Joel; and that electrolysis is still better than sleeping alone.
Of course, it's not all bad news for Joel - he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.Copyright © 2015, Los Angeles Times