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Beverly Hills Smoking Law

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I’m just getting ready to strap on my government-approved helmet and safety pads so I can hop on my solar-powered bicycle and go down to the corner restaurant for my compulsory evening meal. It doesn’t matter which restaurant I go to, since they’re all basically the same.

That’s the way it’s been since the government passed a law requiring standard low-salt, low-cholesterol recipes approved by the U.S. surgeon general. And, of course, the laws regulating the decor--we all know that bright colors are detrimental to one’s digestion, and natural surfaces of wood and leather are dangerous breeding grounds for bacteria. The tables and chairs are all alike, government-approved for good posture.

The menus are all basically the same, since 1991, when the Menu Diversity Act was passed, requiring a representative dish from the culture of every ethnic group in the community, so as not to discriminate against any restaurant-goers who would prefer to consume their native foods.

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I may splurge and have a drink with my dinner tonight--restaurants still serve liquor, but the prices are so high due to the added health-and-welfare taxes that it is a luxury to sip a cocktail before my meal. Oh, and I must remember to bring my required forms for the restaurant’s insurance company, to assure that they assume financial responsibility for any damage to my health or injury that I may cause to others after consuming my $95 martini on their premises.

There are no candles on the tables (people might burn themselves), no fresh flowers (to protect those with allergies), and the music, when there is any, is soft and boring, thanks to the anti-noise regulations--it has been scientifically proven that loud music is hazardous to the public health.

Actually, I don’t really enjoy going out to eat anymore. Nobody does--in fact, several years ago, most of the restaurants were going out of business. That was a big problem--after all, people had the right to eat in restaurants. In order to preserve the restaurant owners’ right to stay in business, it was necessary to pass the law requiring people to eat in restaurants. So, four times a week, I patronize a restaurant, as required by law--confident that we are all safe and healthy . . . if not happy.

KAREN HILLYER

North Hollywood

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