They Should Have Roasted Mascot on a Stick

The Colleges

The debut of Bows-o the pink, marshmallow-headed mascot of the University Hawaii’s Rainbows, was such an aesthetic disaster earlier this month that the student senate voted to fire him, 28-0. Thus ended Bows-o’s one-week stint, believed to have been the shortest in NCAA history.

And, now, Chief Illiniwek, the University of Illinois’ mascot, is imperiled because some groups say his dancing is an insult to American Indians.

The two cases inspired Bottom Ten voters, in their never-ceasing search for ineptitude, to set aside their usual duties and rank school symbols, instead.

Maryland’s wimpy Terrapin, for instance, had its flipper broken by Virginia’s temperamental Cavalier during a mascot free-for-all last year. Auburn’s War Eagle once tried to peck a Florida player, causing Auburn to be penalized 15 yards.

And who can forget that afternoon in 1983 when Air Force was playing so poorly that its live falcon flew the coop, never to return? Or this year, when USC’s Traveler IV suffered an ankle injury forcing the school to activate young Traveler V, who had planned to red-blanket this season.

Then there’s Ohio State’s Brutus Buckeye. No matter how admirable his conduct, he’s still a man dressed up as a chestnut.

THE MASCOT RANKINGS

Figure, School: Description

1. Bows-o (Hawaii): Book him, Danno!

2. B. Buckeye (Ohio State): Macho chestnut

3. Terrapin (Maryland): Win one for Snapper!

4. Falcon (Air Force): Biding its time

5. Leprechaun (N.D.): Awful green outfit

6. Tree (Stanford): Needs pruning

7. War Eagle (Auburn): Gets too beak-y

8. Illiniwek (Illinois): May be ousted

9. Traveler (USC): Uses stand-in

10. Sun Devil (ASU): Avowed Satanist

HOLTZ RESIGNATION WATCH: He still hasn’t had to follow up on his threat to quit if Notre Dame’s players misbehave--even though they were penalized 70 yards against SMU on Saturday.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: USC by 102 points over UCLA. Why? Well, the Bruins lost by one to Oregon State, which lost by 38 to Washington State, which lost by five to Arizona State, which lost by 20 to Oregon, which lost by one to Stanford, which lost by 16 to Arizona, which lost by 21 to USC. That adds up to 102.

GRACIOUSNESS AWARD: After underdog Rutgers missed a late field goal attempt and lost, 20-21, West Virginia Coach Don Nehlen said: “There’s no way (Rutgers) deserved to win. In my opinion, we were the better football team.”

The Pros

Attending a Seahawk game is an exercise in following the bouncing ball--to the accompaniment of boos. Slippery fingered Seattle (4-6) leads the NFL with 29 fumbles. And quarterback Dave Krieg has 13 himself, just four short of the NFL record held by past and present Houston Oiler quarterbacks, Dan Pastorini and Warren Moon.

It’s really a shame that the Seahawks play their home games in the climate-controlled Kingdome, instead of an outdoor arena in the East where they could build up their bobble stats.

As it is, Krieg could still be caught by the Dolts’ Eric (the Fumbler) Dickerson, who misplaced the ball four times Sunday, doubling his season total.

THE RANKINGS

SWOON CONFERENCE

Team, Record: Streak: Next Loss

1. Tampa (3-7): Lost 5: Chicago

2. Cincy (5-5): Lost 2: Detroit

3. Dallas (1-9): Lost 1*: Miami

*Total expected to grow quickly.

2 FACES OF PITT CONFERENCE

Schizo, Record: Pts. For: Pts. Vs.

Pitt I (4-0): 90: 41

Pitt II (0-6): 33: 199

DULL MEN’S CONFERENCE

Record as Starter: Last Week:This Week

1. Bay (Green) (5-5): 22-31, Detroit: S.F.

2. Wash. (5-5): Def. Phil., 10-3: Denver

3. Raiders (5-5): 12-14, S.D.: Houston

4. Phoenix (5-5): Def. Dallas, 24-20: Rams

5. N.Orleans (5-5): Def. N.England, 28-24: Atlanta

SPECIAL CITATION: New York Jet quarterback Ken O’Brien maintained his streak of never having run for a touchdown in six NFL seasons when he tried to tiptoe into the end zone instead of diving in the second quarter of 23-31 loss to Miami. The Jets had to settle for a field goal after he was stopped by Dolphin safety Louis Oliver, who later accused O’Brien of being “afraid to take a hit.”