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Speak Up, Doctor --I Can’t Hear You!

Until he picked up his prescription from a pharmacy, Thomas MacGowan of Inglewood never realized that the phrase “Aw, stick it in your ear” could pass as medical advice (see accompanying). Kids, don’t attempt to swallow this advice.

A KID WITH NO FEAR OF A MOUSE: Steve Sittig overheard his 5-year-old son Dylan yell to sister Alyssa in the backyard, “If you need me, I’ll be at ‘www-dot-playhouse-dot-com.’ ”

A LEMON THAT COMES IN A DIFFERENT COLOR: Lenore Rapkin of L.A. sent in an ad for an exotic fruit that may some day become just as popular as watermelon (see ad).

ANYTHING FOR NIELSEN RATINGS? The Inland Valley Bulletin’s David Allen passed along a story from his newspaper revealing that during a recent “Monday Night Football” broadcast, a different type of grappling appeared on the screen.

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A Riverside cable company had somehow substituted a pornographic movie, involving an orgy.

“I thought it was a customer appreciation thing,” one Fontana resident joked. The company said the X-rated flick was shown only for about 30 seconds, while viewers said it lasted several minutes.

In case you’re wondering, none of the performers in the porno movie appeared to be members of the Dallas Cowboys.

SPEAKING OF RISQUE SIGHTS: Steve Kipnis saw a crime-blotter item in a West Hollywood newspaper about the theft of some compact discs “from a topless car.” Aren’t exposed autos like that outlawed?

DUMB CRIMINAL TRICKS: In our latest chapter, Shirley Harvey of Claremont writes: “I purchased an item which proved to be defective. I left it (in the department store bag) on the passenger seat of my car, intending to return it during my lunch hour. Of course it was stolen. I have often wished I could have been there when the ‘loot’ was exposed--a girdle with a broken zipper.”

A DATA BANK THAT NEEDS A CHECKUP: Bryan Jick of Altadena received a mailing from the University of Phoenix that began, “Earning your bachelor’s or master’s degree has never been so critical. In today’s extraordinarily competitive business environment. . . .” Nothing unusual about the pitch except that the letter’s address included the recipient’s full title--Dr. Bryan Jick M.D.

HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL: L.A. Police Chief Bernard Parks and L.A. Fire Chief Bill Bamattre attended the same tiny high school, Daniel Murphy High (called St. John Vianney High when Parks was a student there).

A REAL KISS-OFF: A Garden Grove woman and a Buena Park man won a nonstop kissing contest over the weekend--but they weren’t kissing each other. They were kissing boats.

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For 55 straight hours.

And each won a $15,000 fishing boat.

The marathon, held at the Los Alamitos Race Course, was supposed to produce just one winner. But neither Maureen Huertas or Jesus Vega would unlock their lips from their respective crafts.

“We were down to two people and they vowed they’d go to the bitter end,” said Mike Walker of Yamaha Marine Group, one of the sponsors. “It’s hot and humid, so we decided to give a boat to each of them.”

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And let’s all give an air kiss to the 18 losing contestants, including the guy who duct-taped himself to a chair to stay awake and another who glued his lips to the boat.

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Another casualty of the computer age? The Pen ‘n’ Quill Cafe on Anaheim Street in Long Beach is boarded up.

If you want Steve Harvey’s ear, he can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.

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