Please Do Not Use

ASPEN, CO—Citizens of this small mountain community remained in a state of shock Wednesday as law enforcement officials continued their frantic, all-hours search for a ski that went missing last weekend.According to sources, the sense of desperation is mounting as the search for the 2-year-old ski, last seen in the vicinity of the Gent’s Ridge chairlift, enters its third day.

“We’re doing everything we can to ensure the safe return of the ski, but as of now, we have very, very little to go on,” said Pitkin County sheriff Joe DiSalvo, confirming the missing equipment is one half of a pair of Rossignol S80s belonging to a part-time Aspen resident. “The important thing is that we not panic.

I assure you, we’re using every resource at our disposal to find this ski and bring it home safely.””Please, if anyone has any information regarding a red and white alpine ski approximately 170 centimeters long and weighing around 2,000 grams, I urge you to contact authorities immediately,” DiSalvo continued.

“Time is of the essence.”Search and rescue teams¿including police officers, tracking dogs, and at least nine helicopters, as well as dozens of firefighters, EMS personnel, and volunteers¿continued to scan the perimeter of Aspen Mountain today, combing snowbanks for chemical traces of the ski, digging out massive drifts where it could have accidentally fallen, and questioning people who may have spotted it from a passing gondola or mountainside estate.

Dive teams have also been deployed to scour nearby Hallam Lake.”Whether an abduction occurred or not remains to be seen, and out of respect for those close to the ski, I’m not going to speculate on that at this time,” Sheriff DiSalvo told reporters, adding that every second the ski remained missing its owner was losing valuable time on the slopes. “Obviously, the pain of knowing one’s ski is out there somewhere, very possibly in harm’s way, is a lot to bear.

I just can’t imagine if it were my own ski.”The ski’s owner, Dallas-based venture capitalist Perry Shaw, 33, offered brief words to reporters outside his leased condominium yesterday, explaining he was still reeling from the sudden disappearance.”I don’t care what it takes, I just want my ski back,” Shaw said as he clutched his wife’s hand. “It’s all so senseless.

I left it alone for a few minutes to head over to the lodge for a glass of chardonnay, and when I came back, it was gone. If something’s happened to it, I don’t know what I’ll do.””How am I supposed to continue bombing down the slopes on one ski?” added Shaw, becoming too overwhelmed by emotion to continue speaking.

A candlelight vigil was held Tuesday evening outside the Burberry store on East Hyman Avenue, where donations to the rescue effort were offered, along with prayers that the ski is not permanently damaged by exposure to the elementsa risk, according to experts, that increases with each passing day.

Gov. John Hickenlooper has placed the state patrol at the disposal of the rescue effort, effecting the largest mobilization of law enforcement in Colorado since the successful 2003 recovery of a pair of Oakley sunglasses that went missing at Crested Butte.Despite the outpouring of support, few held out hope of finding the ski and bringing it back safe.

“It’s been almost three days now without a single lead, and the situation seems pretty bleak to me,” said day spa and salon owner Catherine Marsh, shaking her head. “It pains me deeply to say this, but the owner may just have to buy another ski.”

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation must face the “grave realities” of its mounting debt, President Barack Obama unveiled a deficit-reduction plan Wednesday that included far-reaching spending cuts, pulling off a daring robbery of the heavily fortified Fort Knox bullion deposi-tory, and repealing Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy.

In a televised address, Obama outlined his proposal to eliminate $4 trillion from the federal deficit over the next 12 years, and expressed his vision for a future in which the government was leaner, more efficient, and had billions and billions of dollars worth of stolen gold stashed in D.C.-area safe-deposit boxes.

“We cannot continue to live beyond our means,” the president said. “Unless we want to cripple our grandchildren with this debt burden, we must act now by eliminating tax loopholes and pulling off what all Americans—Republicans and Democrats alike—can agree is the greatest heist of all time.”

“It’s time to stop kicking the can down the road to future generations,” Obama added. “We must empty that vault and ensure our country’s full economic recovery.”

According to a fact sheet issued by the White House, the proposed measures include slashing farm subsidies, cutting federal pension insurance, tricking Fort Knox security personnel into thinking that the president and five others are ordinary elevator repairmen, capping Medicaid’s outlays on equipment, shaping C4 charges to blast 21-inch-thick vault doors off their hinges, and curbing discretionary spending.

In spite of the admittedly “formidable” challenges that his plan faced, Obama insisted that “the time for action is now,” noting that last week the price of gold rose above $1,500 an ounce for the first time ever.

“Reining in the runaway growth of entitlement programs and the defense budget will not be easy,” Obama said. “And neither will silently ferrying 5,000 tons of bullion through a network of ventilation ducts. But just trust me on this; I’ve got the blueprints and I think I found a way out through a drainage pipe.”

According to Obama’s senior adviser David Plouffe, the president’s plan will assure the nation’s long-term solvency while also producing immediate tangible benefits, including, but not limited to, a gigantic pile of gold.

“The president looked at every conceivable option,” said Plouffe, who is expected to externally coordinate the six-man Fort Knox team from a van outfitted with multiple video screens. “He considered trimming the federal workforce, scaling back welfare payments, taking out a $4 trillion fire insurance policy on the Pentagon and burning it to the ground, even raising the retirement age—everything was on the table.”

“Ultimately, the president selected measures that will have a minimal impact on the middle class,” Plouffe continued. “Indeed, his plan places an added burden only on those who either earn more than $250,000 annually or house 368,000 bars of pure gold. Most Americans won’t be affected at all.”

Republican leaders were quick to unleash a barrage of criticism, blasting the administration’s proposal for its “unacceptable” reliance on tax increases and grand larceny, and accusing Obama of offering few concrete details in his speech.

“The president conveniently avoided any specifics on his Medicare Independent Payment Advisory Board and his getaway plan,” House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. “And his speech contained not one mention of those laser-beam motion detectors that you can’t even see unless you have an aerosol spray that makes them visible. What about those, Mr. President?”

In a party-line vote earlier this month, the House of Representatives passed Rep. Ryan’s rival plan, which includes across-the-board tax cuts, tunneling under the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, sending an electrical surge through its security system, and stealing the engraving plates so that “we can print off as much money as we want.”

ASPEN, CO—Citizens of this small mountain community remained in a state of shock Wednesday as law enforcement officials continued their frantic, all-hours search for a ski that went missing last weekend.According to sources, the sense of desperation is mounting as the search for the 2-year-old ski, last seen in the vicinity of the Gent’s Ridge chairlift, enters its third day.

“We’re doing everything we can to ensure the safe return of the ski, but as of now, we have very, very little to go on,” said Pitkin County sheriff Joe DiSalvo, confirming the missing equipment is one half of a pair of Rossignol S80s belonging to a part-time Aspen resident. “The important thing is that we not panic.

I assure you, we’re using every resource at our disposal to find this ski and bring it home safely.””Please, if anyone has any information regarding a red and white alpine ski approximately 170 centimeters long and weighing around 2,000 grams, I urge you to contact authorities immediately,” DiSalvo continued.

“Time is of the essence.”Search and rescue teams¿including police officers, tracking dogs, and at least nine helicopters, as well as dozens of firefighters, EMS personnel, and volunteers¿continued to scan the perimeter of Aspen Mountain today, combing snowbanks for chemical traces of the ski, digging out massive drifts where it could have accidentally fallen, and questioning people who may have spotted it from a passing gondola or mountainside estate.

Dive teams have also been deployed to scour nearby Hallam Lake.”Whether an abduction occurred or not remains to be seen, and out of respect for those close to the ski, I’m not going to speculate on that at this time,” Sheriff DiSalvo told reporters, adding that every second the ski remained missing its owner was losing valuable time on the slopes. “Obviously, the pain of knowing one’s ski is out there somewhere, very possibly in harm’s way, is a lot to bear.

I just can’t imagine if it were my own ski.”The ski’s owner, Dallas-based venture capitalist Perry Shaw, 33, offered brief words to reporters outside his leased condominium yesterday, explaining he was still reeling from the sudden disappearance.”I don’t care what it takes, I just want my ski back,” Shaw said as he clutched his wife’s hand. “It’s all so senseless.

I left it alone for a few minutes to head over to the lodge for a glass of chardonnay, and when I came back, it was gone. If something’s happened to it, I don’t know what I’ll do.””How am I supposed to continue bombing down the slopes on one ski?” added Shaw, becoming too overwhelmed by emotion to continue speaking.

A candlelight vigil was held Tuesday evening outside the Burberry store on East Hyman Avenue, where donations to the rescue effort were offered, along with prayers that the ski is not permanently damaged by exposure to the elementsa risk, according to experts, that increases with each passing day.

Gov. John Hickenlooper has placed the state patrol at the disposal of the rescue effort, effecting the largest mobilization of law enforcement in Colorado since the successful 2003 recovery of a pair of Oakley sunglasses that went missing at Crested Butte.Despite the outpouring of support, few held out hope of finding the ski and bringing it back safe.

“It’s been almost three days now without a single lead, and the situation seems pretty bleak to me,” said day spa and salon owner Catherine Marsh, shaking her head. “It pains me deeply to say this, but the owner may just have to buy another ski.”

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation must face the “grave realities” of its mounting debt, President Barack Obama unveiled a deficit-reduction plan Wednesday that included far-reaching spending cuts, pulling off a daring robbery of the heavily fortified Fort Knox bullion deposi-tory, and repealing Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy.

In a televised address, Obama outlined his proposal to eliminate $4 trillion from the federal deficit over the next 12 years, and expressed his vision for a future in which the government was leaner, more efficient, and had billions and billions of dollars worth of stolen gold stashed in D.C.-area safe-deposit boxes.

“We cannot continue to live beyond our means,” the president said. “Unless we want to cripple our grandchildren with this debt burden, we must act now by eliminating tax loopholes and pulling off what all Americans—Republicans and Democrats alike—can agree is the greatest heist of all time.”

“It’s time to stop kicking the can down the road to future generations,” Obama added. “We must empty that vault and ensure our country’s full economic recovery.”

According to a fact sheet issued by the White House, the proposed measures include slashing farm subsidies, cutting federal pension insurance, tricking Fort Knox security personnel into thinking that the president and five others are ordinary elevator repairmen, capping Medicaid’s outlays on equipment, shaping C4 charges to blast 21-inch-thick vault doors off their hinges, and curbing discretionary spending.

In spite of the admittedly “formidable” challenges that his plan faced, Obama insisted that “the time for action is now,” noting that last week the price of gold rose above $1,500 an ounce for the first time ever.

“Reining in the runaway growth of entitlement programs and the defense budget will not be easy,” Obama said. “And neither will silently ferrying 5,000 tons of bullion through a network of ventilation ducts. But just trust me on this; I’ve got the blueprints and I think I found a way out through a drainage pipe.”

According to Obama’s senior adviser David Plouffe, the president’s plan will assure the nation’s long-term solvency while also producing immediate tangible benefits, including, but not limited to, a gigantic pile of gold.

“The president looked at every conceivable option,” said Plouffe, who is expected to externally coordinate the six-man Fort Knox team from a van outfitted with multiple video screens. “He considered trimming the federal workforce, scaling back welfare payments, taking out a $4 trillion fire insurance policy on the Pentagon and burning it to the ground, even raising the retirement age—everything was on the table.”

“Ultimately, the president selected measures that will have a minimal impact on the middle class,” Plouffe continued. “Indeed, his plan places an added burden only on those who either earn more than $250,000 annually or house 368,000 bars of pure gold. Most Americans won’t be affected at all.”

Republican leaders were quick to unleash a barrage of criticism, blasting the administration’s proposal for its “unacceptable” reliance on tax increases and grand larceny, and accusing Obama of offering few concrete details in his speech.

“The president conveniently avoided any specifics on his Medicare Independent Payment Advisory Board and his getaway plan,” House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. “And his speech contained not one mention of those laser-beam motion detectors that you can’t even see unless you have an aerosol spray that makes them visible. What about those, Mr. President?”

In a party-line vote earlier this month, the House of Representatives passed Rep. Ryan’s rival plan, which includes across-the-board tax cuts, tunneling under the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, sending an electrical surge through its security system, and stealing the engraving plates so that “we can print off as much money as we want.”

ASPEN, CO—Citizens of this small mountain community remained in a state of shock Wednesday as law enforcement officials continued their frantic, all-hours search for a ski that went missing last weekend.According to sources, the sense of desperation is mounting as the search for the 2-year-old ski, last seen in the vicinity of the Gent’s Ridge chairlift, enters its third day.

“We’re doing everything we can to ensure the safe return of the ski, but as of now, we have very, very little to go on,” said Pitkin County sheriff Joe DiSalvo, confirming the missing equipment is one half of a pair of Rossignol S80s belonging to a part-time Aspen resident. “The important thing is that we not panic.

I assure you, we’re using every resource at our disposal to find this ski and bring it home safely.””Please, if anyone has any information regarding a red and white alpine ski approximately 170 centimeters long and weighing around 2,000 grams, I urge you to contact authorities immediately,” DiSalvo continued.

“Time is of the essence.”Search and rescue teams¿including police officers, tracking dogs, and at least nine helicopters, as well as dozens of firefighters, EMS personnel, and volunteers¿continued to scan the perimeter of Aspen Mountain today, combing snowbanks for chemical traces of the ski, digging out massive drifts where it could have accidentally fallen, and questioning people who may have spotted it from a passing gondola or mountainside estate.

Dive teams have also been deployed to scour nearby Hallam Lake.”Whether an abduction occurred or not remains to be seen, and out of respect for those close to the ski, I’m not going to speculate on that at this time,” Sheriff DiSalvo told reporters, adding that every second the ski remained missing its owner was losing valuable time on the slopes. “Obviously, the pain of knowing one’s ski is out there somewhere, very possibly in harm’s way, is a lot to bear.

I just can’t imagine if it were my own ski.”The ski’s owner, Dallas-based venture capitalist Perry Shaw, 33, offered brief words to reporters outside his leased condominium yesterday, explaining he was still reeling from the sudden disappearance.”I don’t care what it takes, I just want my ski back,” Shaw said as he clutched his wife’s hand. “It’s all so senseless.

I left it alone for a few minutes to head over to the lodge for a glass of chardonnay, and when I came back, it was gone. If something’s happened to it, I don’t know what I’ll do.””How am I supposed to continue bombing down the slopes on one ski?” added Shaw, becoming too overwhelmed by emotion to continue speaking.

A candlelight vigil was held Tuesday evening outside the Burberry store on East Hyman Avenue, where donations to the rescue effort were offered, along with prayers that the ski is not permanently damaged by exposure to the elementsa risk, according to experts, that increases with each passing day.

Gov. John Hickenlooper has placed the state patrol at the disposal of the rescue effort, effecting the largest mobilization of law enforcement in Colorado since the successful 2003 recovery of a pair of Oakley sunglasses that went missing at Crested Butte.Despite the outpouring of support, few held out hope of finding the ski and bringing it back safe.

“It’s been almost three days now without a single lead, and the situation seems pretty bleak to me,” said day spa and salon owner Catherine Marsh, shaking her head. “It pains me deeply to say this, but the owner may just have to buy another ski.”

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation must face the “grave realities” of its mounting debt, President Barack Obama unveiled a deficit-reduction plan Wednesday that included far-reaching spending cuts, pulling off a daring robbery of the heavily fortified Fort Knox bullion deposi-tory, and repealing Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy.

In a televised address, Obama outlined his proposal to eliminate $4 trillion from the federal deficit over the next 12 years, and expressed his vision for a future in which the government was leaner, more efficient, and had billions and billions of dollars worth of stolen gold stashed in D.C.-area safe-deposit boxes.

“We cannot continue to live beyond our means,” the president said. “Unless we want to cripple our grandchildren with this debt burden, we must act now by eliminating tax loopholes and pulling off what all Americans—Republicans and Democrats alike—can agree is the greatest heist of all time.”

“It’s time to stop kicking the can down the road to future generations,” Obama added. “We must empty that vault and ensure our country’s full economic recovery.”

According to a fact sheet issued by the White House, the proposed measures include slashing farm subsidies, cutting federal pension insurance, tricking Fort Knox security personnel into thinking that the president and five others are ordinary elevator repairmen, capping Medicaid’s outlays on equipment, shaping C4 charges to blast 21-inch-thick vault doors off their hinges, and curbing discretionary spending.

In spite of the admittedly “formidable” challenges that his plan faced, Obama insisted that “the time for action is now,” noting that last week the price of gold rose above $1,500 an ounce for the first time ever.

“Reining in the runaway growth of entitlement programs and the defense budget will not be easy,” Obama said. “And neither will silently ferrying 5,000 tons of bullion through a network of ventilation ducts. But just trust me on this; I’ve got the blueprints and I think I found a way out through a drainage pipe.”

According to Obama’s senior adviser David Plouffe, the president’s plan will assure the nation’s long-term solvency while also producing immediate tangible benefits, including, but not limited to, a gigantic pile of gold.

“The president looked at every conceivable option,” said Plouffe, who is expected to externally coordinate the six-man Fort Knox team from a van outfitted with multiple video screens. “He considered trimming the federal workforce, scaling back welfare payments, taking out a $4 trillion fire insurance policy on the Pentagon and burning it to the ground, even raising the retirement age—everything was on the table.”

“Ultimately, the president selected measures that will have a minimal impact on the middle class,” Plouffe continued. “Indeed, his plan places an added burden only on those who either earn more than $250,000 annually or house 368,000 bars of pure gold. Most Americans won’t be affected at all.”

Republican leaders were quick to unleash a barrage of criticism, blasting the administration’s proposal for its “unacceptable” reliance on tax increases and grand larceny, and accusing Obama of offering few concrete details in his speech.

“The president conveniently avoided any specifics on his Medicare Independent Payment Advisory Board and his getaway plan,” House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. “And his speech contained not one mention of those laser-beam motion detectors that you can’t even see unless you have an aerosol spray that makes them visible. What about those, Mr. President?”

In a party-line vote earlier this month, the House of Representatives passed Rep. Ryan’s rival plan, which includes across-the-board tax cuts, tunneling under the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, sending an electrical surge through its security system, and stealing the engraving plates so that “we can print off as much money as we want.”