In lieu of chilled prune juice and a liver omelette, here's an equally challenging breakfast sampler courtesy of the NFL Death Star, on which the news never stops.
First, we get a behind-the-scenes look at how the cartel lords decided that the Oakland Raiders should become the Las Vegas Raiders.
Tour guides Seth Wickersham and Don Van Natta Jr. of ESPN, who loosened the tongues of several insiders, tell a tale of Raiders owner Mark Davis morphing from bumbler into cunning Alpha.
Circumstances goaded Davis, whom the NFL lords dealt a short straw when they gave Dean Spanos, the overly enabled Chargers owner, first dibs on Los Angeles.
Like the football players he employs, Davis was forced to earn his keep, which meant leveraging something very valuable: an NFL franchise, which he inherited from his late father (and former Chargers assistant coach), Al Davis.
Davis found himself $750 million in free stadium money from the State of Nevada, where tourism is a beast that must be fed, with schools falling in line behind.
Providing muscle in the desert was a gaming-and-casino magnate named Sheldon Adelson. A man far wealthier than most NFL owners, Adelson sought to block a competing convention center from arising in Vegas.
Within the football cartel, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones blocked for Davis.
Read the story — because it's what Google Generation calls "long form," set aside 15 minutes — but only before you take your morning shower.
The densely-sourced report addresses the much over-baked notion, peddled in the 858 and 619 and also by NFL media, that stadium politics could have spawned the "San Diego Raiders."
Wickersham/Van Natta dug up no dirt to confirm the possibility of that Dr. Frankenstein vegetation ever sprouting.
"Nobody really wanted the Raiders to move to San Diego," they write, "so NFL executives switched from trying to leverage the Vegas proposal into an Oakland deal to trying to salvage the Vegas one."
Winning out over New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft in this tussel, the Cowboys' Jones is depicted as the "shadow commissioner" who's like the way-too-crafty sharp who took over your Fantasy League.
"One league source observed, with a mix of marvel and resentment, that Jones was essentially wearing five hats: shadow commissioner, deal broker, stadium financier, proponent of legalized daily fantasy wagering in Nevada -- and owner/general manager of the Cowboys, as he was soliciting investors while attending the NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis. Actually, Jones had a sixth stake: He is the part owner, with the New York Yankees' ownership group, of Legends Hospitality, the privately held merchandise and concessions company that would work for Davis in the new stadium, as it does for a handful of teams, earning tens of millions of dollars per club."
We go next to one of three former home states of the Rams: Missouri, where three entities are suing the NFL over the team's relocation 15 months ago.
Jim Thomas of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports that the 52-page complaint filed in St. Louis Circuit Court lists the NFL and all 32 NFL clubs as defendants and seeks damages and restitution of profits.
The charges include unjust enrichment, breach of contract, fraudulent misrepresentation, and tortious interference with business.
"The Rams, the NFL, through its member teams, and the owners have violated the obligations and standards governing team relocations" because the Rams failed to meet league relocation rules, the suit claims. As such, the league has breached its contractual duties owed the plaintiffs, the suit says.
Shouldn't San Diego try the same approach?
Yes, according to some lawyerly locals who've made their intentions known to me.
Two counterpoints: 1) these kind of lawsuits can get expensive in a hurry; 2) Spanos point man Mark Fabiani, from my view, got the better of Mayor Kevin Faulconer and then-City Attorney Jan Goldsmith, providing legal cover to the League and the team.
The death Thursday of longtime Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney, 84, claimed a man under whose leadership, according to Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, "the Steelers transformed from lovable losers into a Super Bowl dynasty in the 1970s and remain among the most successful and popular franchises in the game."
If you owned an NFL team, here's the kind of legacy quote that would wear well long after the cheering stopped.
"Dan has always led with humility. When things go as planned, Dan is in the background. When things don't go as planned, he's in the forefront."
The Rooney ode was from Steelers great "Mean Joe" Greene, at Rooney's induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2002.
Two San Diego connections to Rooney come to mind.
Thomas Tull, a minority owner of the Steelers, said circa 2012, when he was bidding to buy the Padres, that he envisioned for San Diego's baseball franchise a family culture akin to what the Rooneys had fostered with the Steelers.
With the passing of Rooney, said former Chargers executive Jim Steeg, the only living NFL owners who were active during the Pete Rozelle era are Dean Spanos, Virginia Halas McCaskey (Bears), Bill Bidwill (Cardinals), Pat Bowlen (Broncos) and Mike Brown (Bengals).
Bowlen, sidelined by the scourge that is Alzheimer's, is no longer an active owner.
Have a wonderful weekend. By Monday, it'll be 10 days and counting until the NFL draft.
(Correction: Jan Goldsmith was City Attorney of San Diego, not City Manager.)