Apodaca: Celebrating fatherhood in a changing society

This Father’s Day, is it fair to wonder if dads are OK?

After all, there has been an outpouring of concern in recent years centered around the idea that boys and men in the U.S are in crisis. So, by extension, should we also be worried that men who are raising children are having a particularly tough time in the context of their parenting roles?

As a woman and a mom, I readily acknowledge that I lack authority on this question. Yet as a longtime champion of women’s rights, I take issue with any insinuation that if men are indeed suffering that females are to blame.

It’s not, and should never be, a zero sum game in which one side wins only if the other side loses. We should all want a healthy society in which everyone has equal access and opportunity to thrive, both professionally and personally.

Those caveats stated, it’s impossible not to notice that no matter how far we may have progressed in our thinking about fatherhood; no matter how many grilling sets, golf balls, grooming kits, slippers and coffee mugs are purchased, Father’s Day still plays second fiddle to Mother’s Day.

It’s been that way from the start.

The movement to celebrate the nation’s mothers began in the post-Civil War era, and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday in May as a holiday in honor of “that tender, gentle army, the mothers of America.”

But the drive to celebrate fathers was far less enthusiastic, and it wasn’t until 1972, when Richard Nixon was president, that Father’s Day also became official.

To be clear, some of the pushback to honoring dads on a par with moms came from men themselves, some of whom resisted the inclination to sentimentalize fatherhood. And over the years both holidays have been criticized as over-commercialized events driven by retail interests rather than genuine appreciation of parents.

Yet here we are today, with Father’s Day going strong. Last year, a record $25 billion was spent on the holiday — which is a lot, just not as much as Mother’s Day, which accounted for $10 billion more in spending.

Of course, a monetary test is a highly flawed lens through which to view the state of fathers in our society. The trouble is, I’m not convinced that we have landed on a satisfactory explanation for what may or may not be going on with men lately.

There’s likely a lot of misleading information, oversimplified narratives, and ideological agendas being advanced. I suspect that, as with most sociological developments, the picture is actually far more complicated and nuanced than first meets the eye.

For instance, there are some frequently brandished data points showing that more women than men attend college, more young men with college degrees are unemployed, and more men live with their parents. Male depression and suicide rates are alarming.

But there is far from a consensus on what is behind those trends. Perhaps more women go the college route these days because they continue to feel greater pressure to prove their qualifications in a labor market that still pays them less and promotes them to fewer positions of power than men.

And at least some of men’s employment issues can be tied to a changing economic landscape that has seen male-dominated industrial jobs and other traditional forms of employment evaporate, while female-centric professions such as nursing and teaching are in demand.

The mental health issues certainly are in need of addressing. But they warrant careful study and responses, not knee-jerk assumptions about social trends that some believe have emasculated and alienated boys and men.

As for the state of fatherhood, we see far too much posturing and reductive arguments about what dads are supposed to look like. It’s traditional values vs. the realities of modern parenting; pressure to conform to an ideal stereotype vs. intense adherence to individualized approaches.

Again, the picture is likely far more complex, and sometimes contradictory, than any single narrative can fully capture.

So while it’s true that more children in the U.S. aren’t living with their fathers, or a father figure — a frequently raised concern — at the same time, a growing share of fathers are now stay-at-home parents, or they have intentionally modified their schedules in order to be more deeply involved in their children’s lives.

A scan of parenting surveys reveals several common themes impacting fathers, including anxiety over achieving a healthy work-life balance; the strain of trying to provide for their families and keep their kids safe; and the desire for greater flexibility and the ability to spend more quality time with their children.

There is, of course, plenty more to say on the topic. But while we’re considering the plight of fathers, and men in general, I’m inclined to think that we best tread cautiously, and not rush toward easy assumptions and hasty conclusions about cause and effect.

The question of whether fathers are doing OK can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. That doesn’t mean it’s not fair to ask. We just need to approach the question with open minds and hearts, realizing that the answers we find might not be the ones we’re looking for.