A La Cañada reader not so gently pointed out that the following paragraph in last week’s column could be construed as homophobic:
“Frankly, I’d rather give the money to Equinox, not the Dodgers. We could drive to West Hollywood, do some cardio while we watch the Dodgers lose. Afterward, we could go to Hugo’s or Musso & Frank for dinner. But the gym gets crowded and I’m not sure I want to shower in West Hollywood.”
The reader suggested that I am afraid of AIDS and referred me to a health center.
The missing word was “therefore.” Because the gym in WeHo is incredibly crowded, therefore I don’t want to shower there.
I can’t blame the editors, publishers or copy editors. I wrote those words. I own them. What I meant to say was that the West Hollywood Equinox gym is too crowded and too far to schlep all my makeup, hair stuff and extra socks, just to watch the stupid Dodgers lose yet another game during the Time Warner monopoly blackout.
Speaking of cosmetics, bodywork and body care, here’s three anti-aging products that we’d all like to see:
1. Pedi-tox. This is botox for your feet. We are each born with 71,000 hours of foot abuse. We can wear narrow shoes, the highest heels, for 10 years. We can use the hours up all at once, like I did in my 20s. We can spread the hours out over time, but when you use the hours up, you are sunk. Botox for the feet would cure all those ills. Bunions. Corns. Athlete’s foot. Plantar fasciitis. Plantar warts. Fungus. All those ailments would miraculously disappear for at least six months, until the shot wears off. Which would you rather have? Wrinkles on your face or painful tootsies?
2. Retinol-A Nipple Cream. Nursing mothers have products we could only dream about back in the 1980s. Amazon sells “MotherLove,” an “all natural herbal salve that quickly relieves the discomfort of sore, cracked nursing nipples. Target sells “Lansinoh HPA lanolin cream,” which “soothes, heals and protects sore, cracked nipples,” and is “endorsed by La Leche League International.” It’s “safe for Mom and Baby.” The addition of retinol, a form of Vitamin A, not only is an anti-aging solution, but it might help with night blindness. Just add retinol and turn the clock back on yet another body part.
3. A new batting cage for the Dodgers. True, this is a cosmetic solution to the deep-rooted ills outlined in last week’s column. Although we can’t actually watch the Dodgers on TV, we still have opinions, such as the Dodgers need consistency. They need consistency in their hitting. They need consistency in their pitching. And loyalty. The Dodgers need to show more loyalty to their fans, their neighbors and those of us who wait in the wings of random sports bars, Internet cafés, even the West Hollywood Equinox gym. We wait. We try. But the Dodgers will always mess up your column and break your heart.
ANITA SUSAN BRENNER is a longtime La Cañada Flintridge resident and an attorney with Law Offices of Torres and Brenner in Pasadena. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org and follow her on Twitter @anitabrenner.