Thoughts from Dr. Joe: Are you the Thousandth Man?
I read the post my daughter wrote on Facebook relative to the death of Drew Ferraro and found it to be insightful. You may recall Drew was the 15-year-old boy who took his own life by jumping off a three-story building at Crescenta Valley High School last month.
There is speculation that Drew was bullied. At this point, we cannot know whether that was indeed the case. The handprints of bullies are like a slap on the face and remain stark and defined on the souls of their victims.
My daughter Sabine wrote, “What does it say about humanity when one has to resort to taking their own life?”
This perspective is far-reaching and has perplexed philosophers since Cain murdered Abel. In a story from Genesis, Cain is accosted by the Lord for murdering his brother. He replies, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
It’s Sabine’s contention, and mine, that we are indeed our brother’s keepers, and this goes to the general problem of bullying.
Eldridge Cleaver said, “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”
In his “XVII Meditation,” poet John Donne cites a connectivity that humanity shares: “No man is an island, entire of itself … Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind....”
Children who are bullied retreat into a dungeon of their own creation. They internalize the fault that the bully projects on them. Their difference becomes their reality. They cease to view their existence as a gift; instead, it becomes an impediment.
During college I did a stint as a street gang counselor in the Bronx. Many of the kids I counseled were victims of belligerence from the punks in the neighborhood. Reason and intervention would not mitigate the violence that bullies inflected upon the weaker and more timid children.
My mantra throughout the neighborhood was, “Who will stand up for the children who bear the brunt of the bully? Who will intervene on their behalf? Who will defend them?”
After Drew’s death, there was an outpouring of love posted on his Facebook page: “We love you Drew!”
All of you who knew and loved him, where the hell were you when this poor boy was being tormented? Whatever the problem was, why didn’t you intervene?
There will always be problems, and there will always be bullies in this world. But who will be the “thousandth man” that Rudyard Kipling writes about? Kipling tells us that the thousandth man is that person who will stick with you, no matter what. The thousandth man/woman will defend a child any time and any place.
If Drew had an advocate, he might still be with us.
As a result of Drew’s demise, some of our best minds will struggle with modalities of prevention, accountability and therapeutic intervention relative to bullying. But that’s not good enough. I would rather have a resolute commitment to end this form of slavery because someone who is resolute will find a way. Goethe says, “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy.” Bullies thrive where authority is weak.
Sometimes intervention has to go beyond a psychological modality. Sometimes you have to grab a bully and forcibly intervene.
Sabine’s analysis is truth. What does it say you if you are not the thousandth man?
In Vietnam I learned a valuable lesson from Captain Gavlick, my company commander. “The best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
This tragedy is not isolated to Drew. His parents, family, and those who knew him will live with a hole in their heart. I pray that God will bless them.
JOE PUGLIA is a practicing counselor, a professor of education at Glendale Community College and a former officer in the Marines. Reach him at doctorjoe@ymail.com.
