Thoughts from Dr. Joe: One day they’ll be off to college
The last flock of La Cañada kids heading to college this fall — the ones who are enrolled in UC campuses and other schools where classes started this week — have now flown the coop.
In Tactics 101, the first thing you learn is not to be a creature of habit. Being predictable was the demise of the Army of the Potomac when they crossed the Rappahannock River at the battle of Fredericksburg. Robert E. Lee knew exactly what General Burnside would do.
Regardless of what I was taught in the military, I keep to my habits. I sometimes cringe when friends and neighbors come to Starbucks for their morning coffee and say to me some version of “I knew I’d find you here.” I have a rationale regarding why I typically sit in the first chair at the bar. It has nothing to do with the fact that I cleared fields of fire.
At Starbucks there are days when I feel like a bartender. Maybe it’s the consistency of my presence that encourages people to express what’s on their mind. Today, I listened to the lament of a grieving sister, a police officer’s commitment to community service, a child’s excitement about high school, and a commanding officers’ meticulous analysis of a Marine regiment’s readiness. These encounters all occurred between 6 and 7 a.m. I didn’t get much writing done.
Lately, I’ve been listening to the lament of parents as they speak about their child leaving for college. They open the conversation by asking how our daughter, a freshman, is doing at Texas. I realize the question becomes the pathway that allows them to verbalize their own feelings about their child leaving home. I’m just a punk from the Bronx and I have few answers. But I never underestimate the power of listening with the intent to understand. Listening has the ability to turn a life around. The most basic of all human needs is to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.
It’s always sad when someone leaves home. When children leave for college, they return home as different people. In our home, Kaitzer began preparing Sabine and Simone to leave for college before they left for kindergarten. I recall her countless conversations with the girls when she stressed responsibility, accountability and the importance of making good decisions. She even tried to explain Erik Erikson’s stages of social-emotional development. It was like watching paint dry. But as a father, I would do my part in preparing my girls. I taught them how to use a can of Mace.
Our children leave home to follow their dreams and their road is riddled with potholes. It’s rarely paved with Technicolor bricks. They’ll surely fall flat on their faces now and again and we won’t be there to cushion the impact. Friedich Nietzsche’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” tells us to prepare them well and give them the accountability, responsibility and wisdom to decide their fate.
I understand why parents grieve when their child leaves for college. Moms and dads know that what’s behind their child is not better than what’s in front of them. Our biggest fear is that our children will eventually realize this themselves. Coming into one’s own is a euphoric experience and you can’t typically do that at home.
When I left for college, I thought fate was a mistress. It was, but it was a hard mistress. I was not prepared for the beast that was about to pick me up by the throat. But I only wish there had been a way for me to know that I was experiencing the good old days before I actually left them behind.
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JOE PUGLIA is a practicing counselor, a retired professor of education and a former officer in the Marines. Reach him at doctorjoe@ymail.com. Visit his website at doctorjoe.us.
