Steps of the College Process

1. Consideration: To Harvard or not to Harvard? To PCC or not to PCC?

2. Application: Name, address, city, state?former last name(s) if any: Bush, Kennedy, Rockefeller, Clinton.

3. Essay: Essay topic: Tell us something about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application. Essay response: Contrary to what my academic record states, I have a GPA of 4.8. My teachers all refused to round up my 89.99 percents at the end of each semester.

4. Scholarships: To qualify for this $50,000 scholarship from Mr. and Mrs. Big Donor Whom Every College Building on this Campus is Named After, describe in an essay any hardships you have experienced. Essay response: I live in La Cañada and my biggest hardship was my parents’ refusal to buy me a Mini Cooper for my sweet 16.

5. Submitting: $&@% dial-up!

6. Waiting: Dear God, as you lay me down to sleep, please also send me a big fat envelope from UCLA.

7. Rejection: Stanford conspiracy plot: 1. Throw deviled eggs at professors. 2. Put rotten durians in all classrooms. 3. Smear super glue on toilet seats. 4. Use fart machine in dorms. 5. Cover bird poop in chocolate and give them to admissions officers and tell them they’re eating chocolate covered raisins.

8. Acceptance: Hallelujah, I have prevailed! __________________, here I come!