Valley View:Hard Wired in a Wireless Age

We need radio lamps. Aw heck, we need radio everything. WHY ARE WE STILL DEALING WITH ELECTRICAL WIRES? Why am I crawling around on the floor plugging in lamps, TVs, computers and so forth? Especially computers — don’t you hate those ugly snarls of wire which need multiple surge controllers?

Surge controllers? What’s up with that? Those. Them. Incredibly bulky them.

Here we are in the new millennium, with cell phones that also film videos, text everyone, play music, transport us to Mars and floss our teeth. Oh no, that last is wishful thinking. But what’s up with still hard wiring most everything? I say, one power source per home (planet) and beam everything into that. Eh, Scottie? Mr. Gore?

Back to wires: If we lose them, we lose the need to hide their ugly selves. You know the drill. A lovely alabaster lamp on an antique walnut table — except the lamp has a shiny white wire that screams, “Hey! Look at me, not the gorgeous wood grain! Which has been lovingly polished since Martha Washington’s time!”

Another wicked wire trick is the, “Oops, sorry: I’m exactly five feet, two and-one half inches long” scenario. Now you need an extension, which only comes in increments of Foolishly Long, Ridiculously Long and Obscenely Long. More groveling under the furniture to hide their excess.

And you had such plans for your life.

Plans that might not have included climbing a ladder so you can hang your corded phone upside down to untangle it. But wait, who has a corded phone in this day and I’m-rapidly-getting-obsolete age? Because phones are those things that wrap around your ears, Spock style. Wasn’t Star Trek soooo ahead of its time?

“Hands Free” phones allow people to smack themselves upside the head in order to answer. You have to admit, it’s a good giggle. As when previously, people apparently held animated discussions with themselves until we noticed hand units tucked under their chins/hair. Either way, we thought they were nuts. Which is how they view us untangling cords on our ladders.

Squiggly About Wires: If we can’t hide them, there are “accessories” to make them look pretty. Invisible. Anything but wire like.

I’ve bought hollow rods to cap the wires under wall mounted lamps so they wouldn’t trail out like drugged snakes. I’ve bought “turtle” things to knot miles of useless wire under my desk.

Now I’m faced with the siren call of “custom” wire covers in designer fabric. No kidding. I get catalogs. I don’t know why, since I never buy anything after reading them carefully three times. But someone who thinks wires are really icky is doing a booming business creating squishy satin elastic sleeves which are supposed to make them look, I don’t know, genteel?

Several of my wires already have mini-sleeves. It’s called electrical tape. As in, zap, ouch!

Remember, you read it here first: Let’s radio everything.