In Theory: What does religion teach about infidelity?

Infidelity is in the news with the recent development of Jenny Sanford — wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford — filing for divorce after 20 years of marriage. The world’s No. 1 golfer, Tiger Woods, is also involved in a web of infidelity, possibly involving several women. Infidelity is not new in the celebrity world, but what does your faith teach about infidelity? Are we truly damned if we cheat on our wives or husbands?

The Rev. Amy Pringle: “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” of course, is one of the Ten Commandments; and in Jewish law was punishable by death. In New Testament times, Greek law punished a man who slept with another man’s wife by putting him in stocks in the public square — stripped — with a radish stuffed up his well, never mind.

Forgiveness of adultery is also a biblical principle. Jesus is famous for setting free a woman who was caught in adultery, and about to be stoned to death, by the show-stopper line, “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.”

In the Episcopal Church, we see adultery as a devastating sin, forgivable by God after a process of repentance and amendment of life, but extremely difficult to repair in the human arena. We counsel both spouses, trying to help them discern the implications of this horrible breach of trust. Sometimes a marriage survives it; most times not.

If you’re where Mark Sanford and Tiger Woods were, before they did what they did — restless, lonely, tempted, thinking about that other person too often — if you’re feeling that way, it probably means something is missing in your life, which somehow your psyche (or another part of you) thinks this affair will fulfill. It won’t. It will just bring a hailstorm of pain down on you and everyone you love.

Figure out what’s missing, what you’re really yearning for, and how you can fill that gap in your life on your own, or with your spouse. And if your marriage is truly dying, take the steps to end it cleanly, before an affair increases the agony of divorce tenfold.

One more thing: Maybe this other person is really The One, the new love of your life, God-given. It happens. People change and grow, and marriages die. Honor your spouse as much as possible, in the way your marriage ends. The integrity you show in this marriage will set the limits of the integrity you have in the next.

Keep the vow about honoring and cherishing, right up to the end. --The REV. AMY PRINGLE is rector of St. George’s Episcopal Church in La Cañada. Reach her at (818) 790-3323, ext. 11.

The Rev. Bryan Griem: If Christmas is about anything, it’s about forgiveness.

In a nutshell, Christmas is defined simply thus: “God became a man, to save mankind.” Why do we need to be saved? Because every last one of us is a sinner. We all fail to live up to God’s standard, so God Himself took the initiative to save what he values more than anything in his creation. That’s you and me — if we’ll only believe it.

As far as infidelity goes, there’s probably no greater sin recognized by society (whether or not society serves God). There’s just something about marriage that’s sacred even to the profane. While boors may chortle about their indiscretions at the barber shop, fact is, nobody likes a cheater.

We execute traitors in the military, and the Bible once called for the same upon adulterers (Leveticus 20:10). Adultery is No. 7 in the big Ten Commandments that God forbade, but the unforgivable sin? No. It’s filthy, but definitely not unforgivable. God even justifies divorce when spouses cheat (Matthew 19:9), yet he “hates divorce!” (Malachi 2:16).

Are we damned if we cheat our partners, which are God’s children? Yes unless we repent, confess our sin, and turn to Him. How truly awful to have your lover treat you with such disregard, but as King David remarked, “Against You (God) only have I sinned” (Psalms 51:4).

Ultimately, it’s always whom God we burn.

I feel for Tiger. He’s quite desirable by women who crave celebrity, and how does he say “no” to amorous advances of aggressive and lovely women? Only if he recognizes that life is more than fleeting pleasure. Does he know about Jesus? What will he be at an advanced age; a goofy, cartoonish perv, or the man we all sort of hope lies beneath the expert golfer who once had several momentary lapses in judgment?

Let’s pray for Tiger, agree with God, and exalt the reason for the season. It’s what we have for you at church. Come for Christmas. --The REV. BRYAN GRIEM is pastor of Montrose Community Church. Reach him at (818) 249-0483.

The Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian: I do not believe anyone is “damned” for infidelity as it is not the unpardonable sin. However, it is a sin, and with it will be natural and spiritual consequences.

When we marry, we make marital vows to remain faithful. A person’s moral character, the deepness of their walk with God, and then not succumbing to temptation — which even the strongest of Christians can face — are all factors that play into whether or not we are able to remain faithful.

Infidelity happens. The word of God tells us that it is grounds for divorce. Divorce is a natural consequence of this betrayal. But divorce also has consequences to it — especially if children are involved. If couples do have children, are people of faith, and true repentance takes place,

I believe that with marital therapy and forgiveness, a marriage can continue. But if these features are not present, the trust will be very difficult to regain.

So no, people are not damned if they are unfaithful, but the momentary pleasure does not outweigh the pain it can bring to individuals and families.

And the season of healing can feel like being “damned” as the pain is enormous.

I see it weekly in the therapy room. --The REV. KIMBERLIE ZAKARIAN is a marriage and family therapist at Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Reach her at (626) 351-9616, Ext. 181, or by e-mail at kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com.

Graham Bothwell: None of our modern-day societies tolerates infidelity, and for good reason, even though there are those who may argue that we should simply expect it to happen.

Mary Baker Eddy, the discoverer of Christian Science, wrote in “Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures”: “Infidelity to the marriage covenant is the social scourge of all races.” That sentiment typifies the moral guidelines adopted by humanity generally. The stability of family life and of society at all levels depends on sound principles.

Outgrowing infidelity requires moving away from a physical basis to a moral basis for individual motivation. We can also move to a spiritual basis of action, based on understanding the natural, spiritual relationship that each of us has with God. God’s love is impartial and universal, and is ours to experience. We can protect ourselves against infidelity in marriage, or address existing infidelity, when there is a strong comment to each other based on understanding that God’s love is always present for us to express, regardless of the human evidence.

Christ Jesus had strong rebuke for those grounded in unprincipled practices, such as his multiple condemnations of arrogant Pharisees as hypocrites, but he did not exclude anyone from the ability to change. An example is when “the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery.” Jesus refused to condemn her, although he did recommend that she change in order to progress, when he said “Go, and sin no more” (See John 8).

Thus, we are never damned, whether we be a celebrity or a simple peasant. If faced with a moral or ethical issue, whether it be marital infidelity or something else, we can choose to stay where we are, or we can strive to resolve it. A higher, spiritually-based understanding brings an improved appreciation of ourselves and others, by which we can gravitate to higher moral and spiritual accomplishments, which benefit not only ourselves, but everyone around us.--GRAHAM BOTHWELL is first reader at First Church of Christ, Scientist, in La Cañada. Reach him at (818) 790-3493.

Rabbi Simcha Backman: Infidelity is not only a problem among celebrities, but is fairly prevalent among the general population as well.

One factor contributing to this sad trend is the pervasiveness of overt sexual imagery and innuendo that regularly inundates us all. Whether it’s plastered across billboards or relayed through the Internet, television, or print media, many advertising campaigns routinely portray explicit promiscuity and self-indulgence. Every day, these messages reach all of us — including our impressionable children. Over time, this desensitizes society and obscures the deeper purpose and essential significance of intimacy, and can lead people to consider their marriage vows expendable.

According to Jewish thought, the institution of marriage is extraordinary since it symbolizes on a physical plane a much deeper spiritual reality.

We are taught that husband and wife were originally one soul which was split into two. When they reunite in matrimony, their bond is unique because it represents the recreation of a single entity — this is the definition of a “soul mate.”

Infidelity causes the tearing apart of this spiritual union, and creates irreversible hurt and pain within the family unit. With true remorse and a sincere commitment to future faithfulness, it is possible to keep together such a severely damaged marriage. However, chances are that the wounded partner will forever be scarred and will carry the injury within for the rest of his or her life.

I would hope that following the recent rash of highly publicized stories of infidelity, national advertising agencies would recognize their moral responsibility by toning down the explicit sexuality of their marketing approaches. Regardless of whether there is any change of heart on Madison Avenue, however, each of us has an important duty to help educate society about the intrinsic value of remaining faithful to one’s spouse. We can do our part to point out that marriage represents a sacred trust — and that a betrayal of that trust always carries painful, lasting consequences. --RABBI SIMCHA BACKMAN is spiritual leader of Chabad of Glendale and the Foothills. Reach him at (818) 240-2750.