Thoughts from Dr. Joe: The importance of standing up for one’s self

This fall the middle school held a forum at La Cañada High School that attempted to shed some light on bullying, a prevalent affliction in the La Cañada schools and also throughout our community. The forum kicked off the “Stand Up” antibullying week.

Ever since my children were in kindergarten, the school district has been intellectualizing this malady and discussing its causes and effects. Of course I understand the importance of dialogue, but I wonder if all the talking about bullying is sinking in.

My initial reaction was not to write about the subject. But I thought I’d put my foot in my mouth and start in anyway. I haven’t read all the research or taken the right classes or attended the right seminars like the experts. I’m a street guy and whatever I know about bullying, I’ve learned at the College of Hard Knocks.

Lately, I seem to blame everything on my mother. But when I was a kid, she taught me a valuable lesson, to always respect the dignity of others. Someone who learns to respect the divinity of the individual builds a covenant with others, which then precludes bullying. You can intellectualize the dos and don’ts of bullying until the cows come home but without an understanding of what happens in the home and in the community our solutions tend to place a Band-Aid on the issue.

In La Cañada there’s a pervasive undertone of entitlement and an obsession with rights and sometimes with little thought of responsibilities. In some cases, children are encouraged to use their talents, not for the good of all but to dominate and excel. This town is obsessed with excellence and winning and when children have no room to fail, they become impatient and critical of others. How can you not believe there’s a causal relationship between the culture of a community and bullying? Although I understand genetic predispositions, I believe children are socialized to be bullies and that process begins in the home and in the community.

My mom was a genius. She taught me the importance of standing up for myself regardless of circumstance and that when confronted by a threat, I was never to back down. She taught this by empowering me to believe in the sanctity of others and also of myself. But her greatest gift was humility and an understanding of one’s rightful place in the world. There’s nothing more empowering than to feel rooted in your home and significant in your community.

Experts throw about buzzwords they say will be the answer to bullying. Recently, I read that parents and teachers should teach children to “use their words.” I get it. Words are important. But words never worked for me. What did work when I was a kid was my natural inclination to break a bully’s face. Bullies are primarily cowards. Once you stand up for yourself, and if you are willing to go to the mat to preserve your dignity, you’ll never be bullied. That remedy has worked every time. However, the anthropological perspective of bullying denotes that since the dawn of time, there’s always been a predator.

I still believe in taking on a bully face-to-face. That’s just me. But it’s complicated. Activist Eldridge Cleaver tells us, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

But I’m not going to solve the problem. You are!

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JOE PUGLIA is a practicing counselor, a retired professor of education and a former officer in the Marines. Reach him at doctorjoe@ymail.com. Visit his website at doctorjoe.us.