Read on: Questions to stump Web hackers
It seems to me that with each passing year, life gets increasingly more absurd. Donald Trump is a serious candidate for president of the United States. A woman in Norway claimed this week to be a cat trapped in a human body, potentially giving rise to the trans-species movement.
Perhaps craziest of all, I have a kid who is turning 30 tomorrow. Totally insane. Doesn’t seem possible. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately), my son Josh shares my sense of humor, seeing the world through a similar farcical prism.
This week, in fact, Josh posted on Facebook one such ridiculous observation. You know how when you join something online and they require a way to confirm that it’s you trying to access your account, they’ll provide a few random questions for you to answer? Usually it’s stuff like, “What was the make and model of your first car?” or “What’s the name of the street where you grew up?” or “In what city or town did your mother and father meet?”
Well, Josh pointed out that in the permissions portal for Random House Books, one of the possible questions was as follows: “Where were you when you first heard about 9/11?”
Seriously. For most of us, the answer would be, “I was in bed” or “I was driving to work” or “I was in my living room.” Not really that many possible options there, unless you were, say, prepping your gear at base camp during a climb of Mount Everest or on safari somewhere in Tanzania.
But this got me to thinking about what might be significantly better and safer questions to ask that would be certain to stump any bad guys looking to hack into your account and pretend to be you.
Questions like:
“How many times have you died and been reincarnated as a being other than human?”
“What was the license plate number of the car you were driving the day you received your first SPAM email from a Nigerian prince or princess randomly asking you to care for their purported $23-million fortune in exchange for your bank account and Social Security numbers and a modest $750 processing fee?”
“What are the middle names of your family members presently in recovery from addiction to medical-grade opiates?”
“Where were you on the day you heard Abraham Lincoln had been assassinated?”
“On which date was your spirit irreparably broken?”
“What is the name of the luncheon meat with which you most closely identify?”
“How did you apologize to those you harmed following your most recent booze-fueled tirade?”
“What is the title of the song you once played so often on your stereo that it caused friends to shun you and romantic relationships to dissolve?”
“What’s that thing on your right forearm?”
“How much do you love this question? Be specific.”
“Jeremy gave Steven $5. Randy stole the $5 from Steven but claimed it was Cindy who actually stole it. How will you smear the names of all four on social media because you’ve just about had it up to here with the petty little games of these exasperating losers?”
“Who was the imaginary friend to whom you ascribed human characteristics, resulting in your commitment to a mental hospital for a period of not less than 72 hours?”
“How did the evening end the last time you went out with a vampire?”
“What is the longest period of time you have gone without eating an olive?”
“What is your favorite knock-knock joke involving God?”
“Which cartoon character do you most admire, and why?”
“What are you wearing right now? Would you mind taking it off?”
“What is the strangest thing you have ever accidentally smiled at?”
“You discover there has been a horrible mix-up and the baby you took home from the hospital a year ago actually belongs to a different couple, while they have yours. Where will you go bowling while pretending to live in denial for at least a couple of hours?”
“How did the cop respond the last time you attempted to bribe him or her?”
“What favorite car would you love to have but you know you never will because you don’t have nearly enough money to buy it and life is so unfair and what’s even the point and why why why?”
And finally…
“Where have you buried the evidence?”
I would venture to guess that none of these queries could ever be successfully guessed at. Clearly, were it left up to me, the Internet would be essentially hack-proof. Maybe it’s time to put me in charge.
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RAY RICHMOND has covered Hollywood and the entertainment business since 1984. He can be reached via email at ray@rayrichco.com and Twitter at @MeGoodWriter.