License to offend and use poor grammar

ANNE LOUISE

Maybe it’s me ... but I wish people would be more careful what they

display on their cars. After all, some of us might have to explain it

to our kids.

There I was, just driving along, when I saw it in front of me.

“It” was one of those license plate frames bearing a catchy phrase. I

pulled a little closer so I could read it, and of course it was one

of those that starts out “If you can read this ... “ So, right away,

I understood that the message was to put more space between us.

What I didn’t understand was how this person could drive around

carrying the rest of the message. It read: “If you can read this,

YOUR TOO ... CLOSE.” Except that this plate frame didn’t use those

innocuous little dots like I did. It spelled the word out, in all its

glorious, capitalized crudeness.

I was momentarily stunned. I reflected on this fascinating

display. The kids weren’t with me, but I imagined myself trying to

explain this little phenomenon.

The 9-year-old’s eyes would be huge, the proverbial saucers, if

you will. The 11-year-old would ask, “Mother, is it really OK to have

such a thing on one’s car?”

And I, recognizing this as a supremely teachable moment, would

reply sagely, “Of course not, dear, the plate frame is completely

wrong, and I’m glad you’re aware of it. I mean, just look at it.

They’ve used the possessive adjective “YOUR” instead of the

contraction “YOU’RE.”

The children would play into my hands; one of them would ask,

“Whatever do you mean, Mother?”

“Well, my cherubs, anyone who has managed to secure a driver’s

license ought to read well enough to know that this is wrong. The

plate frame message is obviously trying to tell the next driver, ‘YOU

ARE too close,’ in which case the contraction ‘YOU’RE’ is

appropriate, not the possessive adjective ‘YOUR.’ Honestly, if one

must be a foul-mouthed jerk, one should at least use correct grammar,

now shouldn’t one?”

The children would say, “You’re right, Mother. What a proper idiot

that person must be.”

And we would all continue on our merry way, having much improved

our lives through this edifying conversation. Or like, you know,

whatever.

Now, even though I have used the words “jerk” and “idiot” in the

preceding imaginary conversation, I really don’t mean to pick on the

car owner here. Well, OK, yes, I do. A little, but not too much,

because I don’t want him to come after me. By the way, I do realize

that it’s wrong of me to pull a sexist attitude and just assume this

plate frame belongs to a man. However, in the interest of not filling

my column with the distracting “he/she” trick, I’m going to go ahead

and, well, assume it’s a man.

Actually, I can excuse the car owner for this dramatic error

exhibition, to some extent. He was probably just SO excited to find a

license plate frame that stated his thoughts in precisely the right

words, that maybe he didn’t (contraction of DID and NOT) read it

carefully. We can perhaps forgive him for missing the little problem

with the spelling.

But who manufactured this little gem? And who is doing the

marketing? Did not one of the people involved make it out of

elementary school (pretty rich coming from someone who just started

two sentences with conjunctions, I know)? How many car shops have

these little beauties hanging on the wall, ready to snag the

unsuspecting of the oh-so-articulate segment of the driving

population? Has no one noticed that there is a problem with these

license plate frames?

I think they should all be returned to the manufacturer. It would

make the world a better, more grammatically correct place to be. But

maybe that’s just me.

* ANNE LOUISE lives in

La Crescenta with her husband, five children, a dog, a cat, and

some fish. Reach her at annelouise @annelouise.net.