In Theory: For secular parents, religion raises a question

In a parenting article on PBS, writer Wendy Thomas Russell considers the question, “How young is too young to talk to your kids about religion?” and offers some guidelines for parents to discuss religion with their kids.

“Precisely when and how you broach the subject with your child, though, will depend a lot on your child’s personality, not to mention your own worldview, the community in which you live, and the sorts of beliefs your child is most likely to encounter in talks with her peers,” writes Russell, author of the book, “Relax, It’s Just God: How and Why to Talk to Your Kids About Religion When You’re Not Religious.”

Between ages 4 and 6, kids are prepared to “start exploring ideas of spirituality.” By ages 12 and 13, it may be too late, Russell says, although teens may be more inclined to explore the psychological and political aspects of religion.

Q. Is there an appropriate time for parents to discuss religion with their kids?

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Absolutely! We should begin teaching our children about the Lord from the minute we know we’re having them. Singing sings about the Lord or reading Scripture aloud while they’re in the womb may seem far-fetched to some, but every exposure to know God is a positive and potentially life-changing influence.

Scripture reminds us that John the Baptist leaped for joy even while he was in his mother’s womb when Mary, pregnant with Jesus, drew near to them. Hannah dedicated her son Samuel to the Lord’s service right after he was weaned. Moses’ very early life experiences were life-changing for him, and of immense importance to the nation of Israel years later.

It’s neither sufficient nor appropriate to deny our children instruction about our faith or to just let them make their own personal decision about faith with whatever chance information they might come across. Ephesians 6:4 says to “bring [your children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” No minimum age is given. Instruction has to be age-appropriate, of course, but the most important thing is that it is there.

Pastor Jon Barta
Burbank

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For me, this question is “stacked” against anyone who believes! I mean, look at the subtitle of the book: “How and Why to Talk to Your Kids About Religion When You’re Not Religious.” My question would be, “If you aren’t religious, why bother?” If you are religious, it’s never too soon to start talking about it, nor too soon to start taking your child to church (or shul or the mosque).

In my own family, my own brother and his wife decided “to let our son choose for himself.” As a result, the man is nothing, religiously speaking. Here’s the truth, if I may be so bold: If you want to bring up your child “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord,” you need to start soon. In fact, do start sooner rather than later, and then, down the road, if your child wants to reject the religious point of view, he or she can make his or her choice.

If you start out with no religious training, guess which way your child will go: he or she will opt for no religion. In my opinion, my brother and his wife did their son a disservice by giving him no religious training as a child.

If you truly want to give your child a choice, you really have to start the discipline early on in life. He or she can always reject it later — but if the child has no starting point, later on the child will have no reference point as to whether being a believer is good or bad. So start now so at least your child will know what he or she is accepting or rejecting later on.

The Rev. Skip Lindeman
La Cañada Congregational Church
La Cañada Flintridge

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This question could be divided into two parts, religion and God. To me, they are two different aspects.

First, religion is the organized manner in which people worship. To talk with a child about this in any conceptual manner requires the child to be old enough to grapple with the concepts of culture, family values, lifestyle, morals, etc. It also requires the parent to have an objective view on these topics and is able to address them in a mature and educated way.

But more important is the discussion of God. I think it should be just like breathing. It comes naturally even at infancy. A parent should talk about their relationship with God as a part of their daily life — praying for and with their child, reading them stories about God and the characters of the Bible, pointing out the beauty of God’s creation — just as one should talk to an infant about eating, going to bed, wearing clothes. A parent should talk about God all throughout their life.

A problem, which may be at the heart of this question, is how you do it. The character and personality of the parent actually becomes the louder message than the words. If the parent is honest to a fault or a psychopathic liar, the words they share will be minor compared to the influence they exercise. If you teach your child that God is kind, loving and full or grace and mercy, one’s lifestyle and relationship with your child needs to reflect those characteristics. Parents paint the picture of God according to how they treat their children. If you are mean, harsh and controlling, that is the God they will most likely believe exists. If you are passive, have no boundaries and are wishy-washy, that is the God they will believe exist. The most important thing to remember is to help your children understand that they can have a personal relationship with the God who created the world and loves them so much he sent his only son to die for their redemption.

Pastor Terry Neven
Montrose Community Church
La Crescenta-Montrose

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Before we seek an appropriate age for discussing religion with our kids, we need to define what “discussing religion means.” Is it explaining to kids that during the week of creation God created the Earth as we know it, or is it discussing with our kids how nature is interconnected with life? Or is it the discussion of whether there is a God, and if so, what kind of God — a watchmaker God, a God of Love, a God of obedience? All of these are examples clergy have used to describe the Supreme Being. I hope those talks occurred at different ages in the life of their children. What about the question “is my religion better for you, child, than someone else’s?” At what age does that discussion come up?

I like the Eastern European way of discussing religion. When the Jewish child entered religious school at the age of 3 and began to learn the Hebrew alphabet, the teacher dipped each wooden letter in honey so that the child would have a sweet taste for his religious duties and goals. As the school almost invariably began at Rosh Hashanah time, when the creation of the world and man is talked about, the child was also given apples and honey to eat. The child then understood that God, the creator, created the animal kingdom (the honey) and the plant kingdom (the apples). What a sweet way to discover the truth!

Rabbi Mark Sobel
Temple Beth Emet
Burbank

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As Christians, we have several Scriptures that guide us in answering this seemingly obvious question. From God’s mouth to your ears: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (NIV). The same verse is translated: “Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right” (CEV).

There are several ways to render Psalm 22:6, but they all point to the fact that spiritual training is not optional if you want your kids to be spiritually optimal. I hear too often the foolish refrain from godless parents, “When they get old enough and start asking questions, we’ll tell them what we believe, but we want them to decide for themselves.” This is so wrongheaded I could hurl! We don’t say this about math or any other area of mental import or personal safety, yet parents will forgo crucial spiritual training (primarily because they are bereft of any themselves). If you know nothing to teach, you won’t. If your beliefs are amorphous and impersonal, there’s no way your kids will ever conclude with:

“Gee, I think I’ll go with Jesus. He’s the guy who says that I’m a sinner and need his salvation, right? The guy everyone abused and murdered for being a goody two-shoes, right? I want to be like him!”

No, you have to own your own faith in the truth and power of the message of God, and deliberately begin grooming your children therein from the day they exit the womb. Show them the handiwork of God in bugs and birds and even their “blanky.” You wouldn’t leave them to their own conclusions about lying, cheating, stealing, and skipping school would you? Of course not.

God commands this regarding his words: “Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates” (Deu 11:19-20 NIV). So important is it to impart Christ to your children that everything else pales in significance. It is your moral obligation before the one and only God. Kids are his, and they are to you merely on loan. You are blessed with a divine responsibility, and you are held to the same. Think of yourselves as … Mary and Joseph!

Rev. Bryan A. Griem
Tujunga

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I guess the right age to start discussing religion with your kids depends on why you’re discussing it.

The context for Russell’s article is a secular parent, discussing religion with their kids. If, as a secular parent, you just want to expose your kids to religion as part of the world, something they should know about, even if it has nothing to do with your family’s beliefs and values — then I’d say third to fifth grade is in plenty of time.

However, if you’re a secular parent wanting to offer religion to your kids as a real alternative, as something they may want to participate in, even if you personally do not, then you need to start much younger than that.

At a minimum, what I would do if I were that parent is to teach and model, from early on, that ‘things unseen’ are valid and good.

When she was a tiny infant, I started carrying my granddaughter around the backyard, stopping at flowers and wind chimes, looking at the sunset and the stars, and saying, “See? Beautiful! Peaceful!” Our family gatherings get pretty raucous, so when she wasn’t much older than an infant, I started taking her either outside or to another room, for what we came to call “a break for quiet time.”

What I’m saying is, build up your kids’ spiritual muscles and reflexes, their ability and desire to take time and space for peace and solitude, before worrying about any religious content. Then later on, if they do choose to explore a religion, they’ll have the inner structure to do so.

Best of all, if you want your kids to have a real choice about religion, would be to set up multiple ‘godparents’ — trustworthy friends of all faiths, who can take your kids with them (and maybe you too) when they do what they do, so that your kids can actually experience different religions from the inside out. If they do that when they’re young, then they can make an informed choice later.

Religion is more than a set of cognitive beliefs; it’s an unseen reality in which to be immersed, it’s a way of seeing the world, a way of being in the world. And there’s no such thing as starting too early to teach it.

The Rev. Amy Pringle
St. George’s Episcopal Church
La Cañada Flintridge

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In a religious home, one in which parents pray, study scripture, attend church (and take their children with them), religion becomes a natural part of the child’s life at a very early age. Questions about God and faith begin at the same time children ask about the sky, the grass and any other aspects of their world.

Children are curious and perceptive. A 3-year-old can develop a basic understanding of God — not a theologian’s perspective — but they can grasp the concept of a loving being who created the world and can help them in time of need. The scriptures support this thought. As recorded in Luke 18, Jesus welcomed the very young children who were brought to him and, in fact, urged his followers to become more childlike in their faith.

Actually, the issue is not if we should begin to teach children about God at an early age. It is that we have a responsibility to do so. If Christ welcomed them, is it appropriate for me, as a religious parent, to postpone the time that I introduce them to him?

LDS parents are urged to teach their children about God and encourage them to believe. It is true that in teaching a young child to pray, they often will simply repeat what the parent tells them to say. It also is true that their attention sometimes wanders during stories about faith. However, these early experiences become the foundation of belief as the child grows older.

Ultimately, our children choose whether to accept what they are taught, regardless of when exposure to religion begins. A parent can teach religious principles, but faith and knowledge will come only though the child’s desire, later in life, to seek a spiritual witness that the principles taught are true. We have a responsibility to give them every opportunity to make that discovery.

Michael White
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
La Crescenta

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No doubt Ms. Russell, a secular parenting blogger appearing on PBS NewsHour promoting her recent book, makes some interesting points about religious discussions at each age level, but I question the idea of using such precise guidelines about the right age for discussions of religion.

The flow of communication between parents and kids about anything — religion, politics, movies — is a case of we parents are the water, our kids are the fish. They are immersed in our thinking on everything. It starts from day one, much earlier than age 4 — Russell’s suggested age for commencing religion talk.

I have never felt urgency that my kids take up my religion-free state, as seems important to Ms. Russell, plus our family and friends are diverse in belief and lack of belief, and very open about it. Religion is openly discussed, thus they have always known where their parents stand, yet are exposed to a broad range of other beliefs and encouraged to explore and think for themselves.

I say the earlier the better, at a level and in the language that is understandable for the kid.

Roberta Medford
Atheist
Montrose