The perfect gift for him

There are only three more shopping days left until Christmas, and there are many who are undoubtedly in panic mode about finding the right gift.

That’s where I come in.

I am ready to put on my red suit, fasten my fake white beard and get my ho-ho-ho going, all in the name of helping you poor last-minute shoppers.

Although I sympathize with you guys out there, my advice is strictly for the ladies. I have the perfect gift ideas that will make the man in your life happier than a TSA agent with a line of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Being a card-caring male — at least that’s what they tell me — I know what today’s dude wants when he looks under the Christmas tree on Saturday morning. So, here are Santa Tully’s recommendations to give the significant male in your life something special.

You really can’t go wrong with food. What’s the saying? “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I say the way to make a man happy is to tantalize his taste buds.

Why do you think those temporary Hickory Farms outlets pop up in malls this time of year? Nothing says love more than a jumbo assortment of processed cheeses, over-salted crackers, various meat-type products and those cute little hard candies wrapped to look like tiny strawberries.

Another can’t-miss place for food indulgence is See’s Candies. Get your man a big two-pound box of chocolates and watch as the candies magically disappear. But you have to be careful if you pick out a specialized assortment. Never get truffles, leave those for your garden party. You can never go wrong with sprinkles. Any candy with added chocolate sprinkles is always good.

You can also never go wrong with power tools. What red-blooded American male wouldn’t get excited about getting a Dremel 212 Moto-tool Drill Press Stand? We like power, and nothing says I’m in charge more than getting us things that we can pound, grind, drill holes with, saw and cut.

Just don’t expect us to put up that shelf you’ve wanted us to erect for you. New tools need time to be broken in, and that takes at least a couple of years, any guy knows that.

Guys want to be taken back to a simpler time, back when they were little boys. They want to remember the time before they had to deal with things like a mortgage, paying for kids’ braces, a hairline that’s going back and a cholesterol level that is going up.

That’s where retro toys come in. Give your man something that he played with in his childhood. Whether it’s a Gameboy, a Mattel hand-held electronic football game, some Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots, a tabletop vibrating football game or even some Hot Wheels, those toys will bring out the kid in him.

If you really want to go old-school, try to find an Atari 2800, Intellivision, ColecoVision or Sega SG-1000 system.

If you think all those ideas aren’t for your man, there’s always booze.

Along with the things that make good presents, there are also those that do not. I would be remiss if I didn’t steer you away from those types of gifts.

The first one to avoid is homemade gifts. Just because you took a macramé class in the fifth grade and you can crochet like a mad women doesn’t mean we want to receive some mittens or a woven tool caddy. Also, don’t surprise us with a special coffee mug with our name on it that you made at Color me Mine. That mug will be just the right size to hold the rest of our dignity after receiving a present like that.

Also, don’t get us any garden tools. That’s what a gardener is for.

If you do get us a jersey of our favorite team, please don’t put our name on the back. Everybody in the stadium knows that no one named “Goldfarb” ever played for the Angels. Even if he did, he would never wear “No. 48.”

When you do pick out the perfect gift, let me give you one good piece of advice: don’t wrap it. We males like instant gratification, and tearing through wrapping paper and boxes just takes too much time. With an unwrapped present, it eliminates the humiliating “guessing game” we have to go through when opening our gifts every year.

“Now close your eyes and just feel around the box and try and guess what I got you?” Throughout the years I’ve never guessed right.

Just hand us our unwrapped gifts, please.

I hope this humble advice can be of service to at least a few of the females out there. And men, I do this as a service to you, because I want all the guys to get what they really want. That is, what they really want in gift form. But I will leave it at that.

Have a merry Christmas.