Read On: Turnabout is fair play
So I went searching this morning on Google for “Jobs: Russian Computer Hackers” and came up empty. It was the same with Monster.com and Craigslist (under “Gigs: Computer.”) I even tried, in desperation, to test things on the street using Pokemon Go.
Nothing.
Hacking is evidently the kind of specialized skill that you can’t just post under “Employment Opportunities.” And I’m guessing that job sites and the feds would frown on my putting out a help wanted ad like, say, this one:
“Are you a bold, adventurous cyber criminal with a taste for danger? We want you! Looking to hire Russian computer expert for important, top-secret hacking opportunity. Intimidation and debasement skills a plus. Need not speak fluent Russian. In fact, need not be Russian at all. Compensation negotiable. No FBI, please.”
Nonetheless, I’ve decided it’s time to inspire someone I can trust who fancies himself (or herself) a dedicated member of the hack pack. Someone skilled. And dedicated. And silent.
What am I doing looking for a computer hacker? I just feel it’s time we balance the books a bit after Donald Trump called so openly and shamelessly for cyber troublemakers to engage in espionage and damage his opponent in the presidential race, Hillary Clinton.
During a Wednesday morning press briefing in Doral, Fla., Trump directly encouraged an adversarial foreign power to spy on a former Secretary of State and steal her classified correspondence.
“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” Trump said, staring directly into a camera. “I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”
In other words, a presidential candidate for a major political party is openly lobbying Russian operatives to uncover material for the sole purpose of blackmailing his adversary. It is flat-out astounding and, many charge, a potentially treasonous offense. Trump + Reason = Treason.
Yet in typical fashion, Trump refused to back away, quickly doubling down on his favorite social media platform, Twitter, a short time later.
“If Russia or any other country or person has Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 illegally deleted emails, perhaps they should share them with the FBI!”
Equally unfathomable is the fact the above tweet had been favorite-ed some 38,000 times in the first five hours alone. There are evidently a whole lot of fans of Russian hacking technology all of a sudden. Perhaps this calls for promoting the individual dudes on trading cards with a bar over their eyes, or maybe a fashion layout showing them in stylish silks enhanced by a mini keyboard pendant.
Anyway, this is what has drawn me to call out the services of a superstar hack. (Full disclosure: I have often been called a “hack” journalist myself, though I’m not sure it was meant to be taken as praise.)
Trump was gloating all week over the strategic and embarrassing WikiLeaks release last weekend of nearly 20,000 Democratic National Committee emails that led to the resignation of DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz — with the promise of more to come.
The one thing Trump seems to fear more than even going bald is that the information on his unreleased tax returns will be seen o’er the land. Trump flatly refuses to expose them to public view and appears unlikely to change his mind.
But it seems this might be a good opportunity to give Mr. Thin Skin an offer he can’t refuse. I have to believe this would prove an irresistible challenge for any self-respecting cyber thief to undertake.
Unlawful? Well, sure. Difficult? Undoubtedly. Unethical? I would argue that it is, in fact, in the national interest, lending a timely save to American democracy. We might think of it as simply helping Trump and his team with something that — given how much they have on their plate — may have slipped their minds.
Let me also add for members of any federal investigatory bureau that I am not, in fact, personally looking to hire a hacker. My interest here is to persuade one or several that the task I propose is a really great idea. No meetings will take place between us. No money will exchange hands. I’m merely hopeful that my words will be translated into Russian and serve to encourage someone to do what needs to be done, whatever that might be.
To paraphrase Trump’s own call to action: Russia, if you’re reading this, I hope you’re able to find the handful of Trump tax returns that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.
Pretty please?
RAY RICHMOND has covered Hollywood and the entertainment business since 1984. He can be reached via email at ray@rayrichco.com and Twitter at @MeGoodWriter.