Read On: Beware of shady peddlers while shopping
The next time you’re bopping through the mall this holiday season and see one of those people holding a jar of anti-aging face moisturizer dreck and promising to make you look like a million bucks (or at least $100,000) in 10 seconds, don’t walk but sprint as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
I know, it’s easy to get roped in. It’s usually a hot young woman making the sales pitch and — particularly if you’re male — appealing to your vanity. But trust me, this is not a purchase that will end happily.
I’m thinking, in particular, of my 19-year-old son, who was embarrassed to walk in the door this past Monday carrying a bagful of outrageously expensive anti-aging junk and muttering, “I think I may have just gotten ripped off.”
Indeed, he had. He’d just paid $402.19 for six boxes of Vine Vera Resveratrol Moisture Day Cream infused with Merlot (because we know how good it is for your skin to rub wine into it). He procured it from one of those pop-up kiosks, this one at a mall in Sherman Oaks.
The saleswoman obviously recognized an easy mark and talked the lad into purchasing “a year’s supply” of what he’d been assured was miracle acne medication. Of course, it was instead anti-age gunk for a kid who won’t be seeing his first hint of a wrinkle for at least a quarter-century.
“You’re right, you got ripped off,” I confirmed. “But no biggie. Let’s go back and get you a refund.”
“Can’t do that,” he said, holding up the receipt that spelled out in big bold letters, “Absolutely no refunds.”
“We’ll see about that,” I replied. “Let’s go.”
Off to the mall we go. I meet the woman responsible for this retail travesty. She is predictably attractive and with an accent to boot (I guessed Israeli). Didn’t much matter to me.
“You will be giving this young man a full refund immediately,” I assure her. “You took advantage of a teenager who didn’t know better. In my world, this is known as a predatory business practice. I should file a complaint to have your entire business shut down. How dare you prey on vulnerable young people.”
The woman says she will have to check with her manager and see if an exception can be made and…
“No, no, no,” I interrupt. “Perhaps I wasn’t making myself clear. This is not a request but a demand. What part of ‘I am about to cause such a scene right here that you will rue the day your miserable existence began’ are you failing to understand? You are at this moment looking into the eyes of your worst possible nightmare. Or would you like me to get on a microphone and make a very loud announcement to everyone in this mall about your lack of scruples in peddling your worthless product?”
The truth is I didn’t really know if Vine Vera was entirely worthless. But I did note they were charging more than a hundred bucks per jar for something that likely cost 38 cents to manufacture, and were claiming it had acne removal properties that it appeared to lack.
Incredibly, this woman somehow doesn’t completely comprehend what I am telling her. She counters, “But thees product will help your son’s skin and…”
“No!” I interrupt again. “If my son wants to buy something to help his skin, we’ll be spending a lot less than $400. Tell me: Does this teenager look to you as if he needs to trim years off of his age? Is the idea to make him look 11? I don’t think so. I’m done talking. So are you. Give him the refund, now!”
Finally, the woman gets her manager on the phone and moves to the other side of the kiosk to speak with him or her, in notably hushed tones. I imagine she says something like, “Look, thees guy is a maniac. I think we must give a refund to make heem go away.”
Whatever she said, it worked. Two minutes later, the refund was back on my son’s debit card. He felt badly, like he had done something dumb, but I assured him that wasn’t the case at all. I explained that when I was his age, I could very well have fallen for the same smarmy pitch — and this was 100% about people carrying out underhanded business practices, not him.
The silver lining in all of this, of course, was that my kid got to see his father stand up for him, understood I have his back, and learned a valuable lesson: Vultures peddling Vine Vera do not have your best interests at heart.
As if we all needed another reason to steer clear of the mall and embrace online shopping.
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RAY RICHMOND has covered Hollywood and the entertainment business since 1984. He can be reached via email at ray@rayrichco.com and Twitter at @MeGoodWriter.