Letter -- Jere Mendelsohn

Memo to Alan Brandstater regarding your recent comments in the

News-Press (June 6):

Al (can I call you Al?), we gotta talk about your PR work for “Gregg

Artistic Mortuaries.” I think we need to hit the (under)ground running on

this issue. An “undertaking” of this magnitude demands a fresh approach

to win the hearts, minds and other body parts of Glendale.

First, let’s get a documentary video running on Channel 6, ASAP. How

about “Night of the Living Greggs?” Has a catchy ring to it, no? The

campaign slogan could be something like, “First they buried the trees,

now they’ll bury you.” Dream with me, Al, this is gonna be big.

Next, we gotta lose the Oakmont View V name. Too much baggage. Let’s

call it “Eternity Acres,” because wealthy dead people deserve a view,

too. After all, Al, where are all the deceased executives from Disney and

Dreamworks going to be interred? You start promoting this as an exclusive

cemetery, and folks’ll just be dying to get in.

Finally, we have to get a sound bite of you we can use on the news at

5, 6 and 11. You know, something memorable, with you setting fire to the

Oakmont EIR while you scream “No more EIRs, ever!” Very Boris Karloff

meets Joan Crawford. Show some attitude -- that’s what people want these

days.

Remember, Al, this is an industry town. With enough smoke and mirrors,

you can really pull this one off! By the time the mountains are flattened

and the valleys filled in, you and the Greggs will have all your money

safely buried deep in a vault, if you catch my drift. Plus, the cemetery

residents can’t come after you for faulty grading or construction. I’m

tellin’ you, there’s no downside to this!

I have lots more ideas for you. Call me. We’ll do lunch. Ciao, babe.

JERE MENDELSOHN

Glendale