Memo to Alan Brandstater regarding your recent comments in the
News-Press (June 6):
Al (can I call you Al?), we gotta talk about your PR work for “Gregg
Artistic Mortuaries.” I think we need to hit the (under)ground running on
this issue. An “undertaking” of this magnitude demands a fresh approach
to win the hearts, minds and other body parts of Glendale.
First, let’s get a documentary video running on Channel 6, ASAP. How
about “Night of the Living Greggs?” Has a catchy ring to it, no? The
campaign slogan could be something like, “First they buried the trees,
now they’ll bury you.” Dream with me, Al, this is gonna be big.
Next, we gotta lose the Oakmont View V name. Too much baggage. Let’s
call it “Eternity Acres,” because wealthy dead people deserve a view,
too. After all, Al, where are all the deceased executives from Disney and
Dreamworks going to be interred? You start promoting this as an exclusive
cemetery, and folks’ll just be dying to get in.
Finally, we have to get a sound bite of you we can use on the news at
5, 6 and 11. You know, something memorable, with you setting fire to the
Oakmont EIR while you scream “No more EIRs, ever!” Very Boris Karloff
meets Joan Crawford. Show some attitude -- that’s what people want these
Remember, Al, this is an industry town. With enough smoke and mirrors,
you can really pull this one off! By the time the mountains are flattened
and the valleys filled in, you and the Greggs will have all your money
safely buried deep in a vault, if you catch my drift. Plus, the cemetery
residents can’t come after you for faulty grading or construction. I’m
tellin’ you, there’s no downside to this!
I have lots more ideas for you. Call me. We’ll do lunch. Ciao, babe.