Happiness is within your grasp

CHARLIE UNGER

As the holiday season winds its way down, many people approach me and

ask what they can do to live happier, more fulfilling lives. I

addressed this issue on my first radio show and I will sum up my keys

to happiness as follows:

1. Happiness should be a byproduct of doing the right thing, it

should not be your goal. If someone says to me “I want to be happy,”

I tell them to do the right thing on a regular basis; make a

contribution to those around you and to the world. You will find that

happiness will be a byproduct of your behavior.

2. Living a life that focuses on gratitude is one of the keys to a

happier existence. If you wake up every morning and consider what you

have to be thankful for, you will be a whole lot happier than if you

wake up each day thinking about what is wrong with your life. The old

having an “attitude of gratitude” adage bears repeating this time of

year.

3. One of the worst approaches to a happier life is what is called

“If/then thinking.” What I mean by this is statements like “If I had

a new car, then I’d be happy.” Or “If got a raise at work, then I’d

be more happy.” You can choose to be happy right now, or not, as you

wish; however, predicating your happiness on something that is to

come in the future, especially something that is a material item, is

a tough way to go.

4. Forgive more easily. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive

everyone for everything right away. However, if you take a more

lenient approach to the topic of forgiveness, you will find you are

carrying around less of a burden. If you are continually angry with

someone, I would suggest that you’ll suffer for it more than the

individual at whom you are angry.

5. Be more concerned with what you think of you, than what others

think of you. You cannot control the way others view you. You can

control the way you view yourself. If you allow your self worth to be

controlled by others, you’re giving people a lot more power than you

should. I run into many people whose moods shift based on the

feedback they get from those in the outside world. Happiness is an

inside job and should be based on one’s own self view.

6. Live in the moment. Do you really think that if you worry about

something that is going to happen next week or next month it’s going

to help in any way? Worry is a very destructive emotion. If you want

to spend some time thinking about the future or planning for the

future, then that is fine, that has value; however, to worry about it

takes away from your enjoyment of the present and doesn’t help you in

either the present or the future.

7. Do some volunteer work. People who volunteer their time and

have a purposeful life live longer. They also live a happier,

healthier life. It is almost impossible to help another human being

without feeling good, and by feeling good, you are also helping

yourself.

8. Get some exercise. As I mentioned on the show, I go to Linda

Taix Work Out Studio in La Canada Flintridge, along with Taix Extreme

Boot Camp. Both of those get one’s endorphins going, which helps to

create a good feeling.

9. Seek close, intimate relationships. In general, people who are

alone are less happy than people who are involved in a significant

relationship. No, this doesn’t hold true for everyone; however, those

who are in significant relationships have a much better chance of

being happy than those who are not.

10. Find work you enjoy. I know this isn’t always possible, and if

it is not, then find as many hobbies as you can that bring you

pleasure. If you are fortunate enough to find a career that you

enjoy, it doesn’t feel like work. Take the average golfer on the PGA

Tour. These people are paid great sums of money for doing what they

would want to do in their spare time. Yes, I know there aren’t too

many golf jobs available on the Pro Tour, but you know what I mean.

If you find something that you enjoy and you can get paid for it as

well, you are going to be far ahead of most others in this world.

11. Act happy. Smile. If you force your face into a smile, you

will find it difficult to remain unhappy for long. A smiling face is

totally inconsistent with feeling unhappy.

12. Make steady progress toward your goals. Are you thinking about

cleaning the basement? Start the project this weekend. If you don’t

get too far, then fine, you will at least be able to reflect on the

fact that the task has finally been commenced and you will pick up

where you left off next weekend.

13. Delayed gratification is the way a mature person seeks

happiness; instant gratification is a recipe for disaster. Those who

seek instant gratification often find themselves becoming alcoholics,

drug abusers, compulsive gamblers, compulsive overeaters, etc. If you

were to engage in sex outside of your marriage, it might feel good

for the moment; however, it won’t, or at least shouldn’t, feel good

later on. Alternatively, if you feed the homeless on Thanksgiving Day

rather than sit home enjoying the big turkey dinner and watching

football, at the time you are feeding the homeless you may wish you

were elsewhere; however, that delayed gratification will stay with

you for a long time. People have these choices on a daily basis;

whether to go for the instant feel good hit or whether to do the

right thing. Those who are able to slow it down and delay

gratification live much more satisfied lives.

14. Fun does not equal happiness. This is similar to my last point

for if you do something that is fun, you get a short term hit off of

it. There is nothing wrong with fun as we all enjoy doing things that

are fun; however, if your life is only about fun and not about

meaning or purpose, you will not be happy for any significant period

of time.

15. Stop comparing yourself to others. People put up a facade of

happiness anyway. We don’t know how they are really feeling. Let’s

take famous athletes and Hollywood folks. They look happy, but what

you are really seeing is what they are projecting. Yes, they have

money and all sorts of creature comforts, and then you read about the

fact that they are making their third trip to rehab. When you are

that rich and that famous it is hard to know whether someone who says

they love you really does love you or whether they love your fame and

your money. The rich and famous do well materially, but are not any

happier than those with less. Being stopped by the paparazzi doesn’t

look like a great deal of fun to me.

During this holiday season, I would urge you to consider your life

and think about how you want to live in 2005. If you follow the above

suggestions I guarantee your happiness quotient will increase.

* Dr. CHARLES J. UNGER is a criminal defense attorney in the

Glendale law firm of Flanagan, Unger & Grover, and a therapist at the

Foothill Centre for Personal and Family Growth. Dr. Charlie writes a

bimonthly column on legal and psychological issues. Dr. Charlie can

be reached at (818) 244-8694 or at www.charlieunger.com. The Dr.

Charlie Show can be heard Sunday nights at 9 p.m., right after

football on KLSX-FM (97.1).