Happiness is within your grasp
CHARLIE UNGER
As the holiday season winds its way down, many people approach me and
ask what they can do to live happier, more fulfilling lives. I
addressed this issue on my first radio show and I will sum up my keys
to happiness as follows:
1. Happiness should be a byproduct of doing the right thing, it
should not be your goal. If someone says to me “I want to be happy,”
I tell them to do the right thing on a regular basis; make a
contribution to those around you and to the world. You will find that
happiness will be a byproduct of your behavior.
2. Living a life that focuses on gratitude is one of the keys to a
happier existence. If you wake up every morning and consider what you
have to be thankful for, you will be a whole lot happier than if you
wake up each day thinking about what is wrong with your life. The old
having an “attitude of gratitude” adage bears repeating this time of
year.
3. One of the worst approaches to a happier life is what is called
“If/then thinking.” What I mean by this is statements like “If I had
a new car, then I’d be happy.” Or “If got a raise at work, then I’d
be more happy.” You can choose to be happy right now, or not, as you
wish; however, predicating your happiness on something that is to
come in the future, especially something that is a material item, is
a tough way to go.
4. Forgive more easily. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive
everyone for everything right away. However, if you take a more
lenient approach to the topic of forgiveness, you will find you are
carrying around less of a burden. If you are continually angry with
someone, I would suggest that you’ll suffer for it more than the
individual at whom you are angry.
5. Be more concerned with what you think of you, than what others
think of you. You cannot control the way others view you. You can
control the way you view yourself. If you allow your self worth to be
controlled by others, you’re giving people a lot more power than you
should. I run into many people whose moods shift based on the
feedback they get from those in the outside world. Happiness is an
inside job and should be based on one’s own self view.
6. Live in the moment. Do you really think that if you worry about
something that is going to happen next week or next month it’s going
to help in any way? Worry is a very destructive emotion. If you want
to spend some time thinking about the future or planning for the
future, then that is fine, that has value; however, to worry about it
takes away from your enjoyment of the present and doesn’t help you in
either the present or the future.
7. Do some volunteer work. People who volunteer their time and
have a purposeful life live longer. They also live a happier,
healthier life. It is almost impossible to help another human being
without feeling good, and by feeling good, you are also helping
yourself.
8. Get some exercise. As I mentioned on the show, I go to Linda
Taix Work Out Studio in La Canada Flintridge, along with Taix Extreme
Boot Camp. Both of those get one’s endorphins going, which helps to
create a good feeling.
9. Seek close, intimate relationships. In general, people who are
alone are less happy than people who are involved in a significant
relationship. No, this doesn’t hold true for everyone; however, those
who are in significant relationships have a much better chance of
being happy than those who are not.
10. Find work you enjoy. I know this isn’t always possible, and if
it is not, then find as many hobbies as you can that bring you
pleasure. If you are fortunate enough to find a career that you
enjoy, it doesn’t feel like work. Take the average golfer on the PGA
Tour. These people are paid great sums of money for doing what they
would want to do in their spare time. Yes, I know there aren’t too
many golf jobs available on the Pro Tour, but you know what I mean.
If you find something that you enjoy and you can get paid for it as
well, you are going to be far ahead of most others in this world.
11. Act happy. Smile. If you force your face into a smile, you
will find it difficult to remain unhappy for long. A smiling face is
totally inconsistent with feeling unhappy.
12. Make steady progress toward your goals. Are you thinking about
cleaning the basement? Start the project this weekend. If you don’t
get too far, then fine, you will at least be able to reflect on the
fact that the task has finally been commenced and you will pick up
where you left off next weekend.
13. Delayed gratification is the way a mature person seeks
happiness; instant gratification is a recipe for disaster. Those who
seek instant gratification often find themselves becoming alcoholics,
drug abusers, compulsive gamblers, compulsive overeaters, etc. If you
were to engage in sex outside of your marriage, it might feel good
for the moment; however, it won’t, or at least shouldn’t, feel good
later on. Alternatively, if you feed the homeless on Thanksgiving Day
rather than sit home enjoying the big turkey dinner and watching
football, at the time you are feeding the homeless you may wish you
were elsewhere; however, that delayed gratification will stay with
you for a long time. People have these choices on a daily basis;
whether to go for the instant feel good hit or whether to do the
right thing. Those who are able to slow it down and delay
gratification live much more satisfied lives.
14. Fun does not equal happiness. This is similar to my last point
for if you do something that is fun, you get a short term hit off of
it. There is nothing wrong with fun as we all enjoy doing things that
are fun; however, if your life is only about fun and not about
meaning or purpose, you will not be happy for any significant period
of time.
15. Stop comparing yourself to others. People put up a facade of
happiness anyway. We don’t know how they are really feeling. Let’s
take famous athletes and Hollywood folks. They look happy, but what
you are really seeing is what they are projecting. Yes, they have
money and all sorts of creature comforts, and then you read about the
fact that they are making their third trip to rehab. When you are
that rich and that famous it is hard to know whether someone who says
they love you really does love you or whether they love your fame and
your money. The rich and famous do well materially, but are not any
happier than those with less. Being stopped by the paparazzi doesn’t
look like a great deal of fun to me.
During this holiday season, I would urge you to consider your life
and think about how you want to live in 2005. If you follow the above
suggestions I guarantee your happiness quotient will increase.
* Dr. CHARLES J. UNGER is a criminal defense attorney in the
Glendale law firm of Flanagan, Unger & Grover, and a therapist at the
Foothill Centre for Personal and Family Growth. Dr. Charlie writes a
bimonthly column on legal and psychological issues. Dr. Charlie can
be reached at (818) 244-8694 or at www.charlieunger.com. The Dr.
Charlie Show can be heard Sunday nights at 9 p.m., right after
football on KLSX-FM (97.1).