Some scripts leave you comma-tose

Like everyone who lives in and around Los Angeles I sometimes read scripts. Friends’ scripts. TV scripts. Movie scripts. Unfortunate scripts. Painful scripts. How-can-I-everlook-my-friendin-eye-again scripts.

It’s a sad commentary on our culture that everyone with a Southern California zip code thinks he has the next great blockbuster, or 10, tucked away in a desk drawer. But sadder yet is the fact that these scripts, wretched as they are, are still better than any of mine.

But I’ve found a way to save face, in my own eyes at least. As I’m reading these excruciating works -- steaming stinkers that look good only when compared to my own -- I have found a way to make myself feel better. I focus on the commas.

Because while I may not know a character motivation from a plot point, one thing I know is commas. Sort of.

Commas are the easiest things in the world, until you really stop and think about them. Then they’re contenders for the hardest. Everyone knows that commas denote pauses and separate items in lists. But when you sit down to read a friend’s script -- or a hundred of them -- you see that commas aren’t so simple.

Say, for example, that your heroine has decided to give herself completely to her love interest.

Do you put a comma between “Take me” and “Reynaldo”? When your streetwise cop with the $400 loafers bids adieu to the bad guy, do you insert a comma between, “Catch you on the flip side” and “sukkah”?

The answer, which 99% of all screenwriters don’t seem to know, is yes.

“A comma follows names or words used in direct address and informal correspondence,” the “Chicago Manual of Style” tells us.

“Mr. Jones, will you please take a seat.”

“Friends, I am not here to discuss personalities.”

“Ma’am, your order is ready.”

For aspiring screenwriters, I’ll put Chicago’s examples in words you understand.

“Mr. Jones, park your butt or kiss it goodbye.”

“Friends, I am here to discuss the greatest evil known to mankind.”

“Ma’am, your perp has been hog-tied and pistol-whipped.”

So whenever you address someone directly by name or another term such as “sir,” include a comma.

You would think that screenwriters know to use commas to introduce quotations: “I told Bugsy, ‘Get outta here or I’ll blows yer head off.’” And they do. But this rule, too, creates some confusion.

Say you want to write, “Jack glides into the room,” set to the tune of the Miracles’ “I’m Just a Love Machine.” Just because the song title is in quotation marks doesn’t mean it’s a quotation. There should be no comma before the song title, contrary to popular screenwriter belief. Now, if you say, “Jack glides into the room, looks into Jessica’s eyes and says, ‘Hey baby, I’m just a love machine,’ ” then a comma would set up the quotation.

Muddying these waters is the fact that sometimes the quotation is “woven into the syntax of the sentence,” as “Garner’s Modern American Usage” puts it.

“Writing ‘Go ahead, make my day’ tells producers that you’re an innovative writer with fresh ideas.”

Notice how “Go ahead, make my day” is not set up as a separate quote but is part of the main sentence idea. This is a vague concept, I know, but it explains why you should use a comma with, “Mama always said, ‘Life is like a box of Jelly Bellys,’” but inserting a “that” weaves it into the sentence. “Mama always said that ‘Life is like a box of Jelly Bellys.’”

There is a lot more to learn about the subtleties of the comma, but I’ll save that for another day.

Right now, I’m off to the theater to see the latest multimillion-dollar-grossing hit involving the pistol-whipping of evil perps by a sharp-dressed, Jelly Belly-popping love machine. Wish I’d thought of that.

* JUNE CASAGRANDE is a freelance writer. She can be reached at JuneTCN@aol.com.

20060125hf5rjpkf(LA)