A WORD, PLEASE:Waking to truth that grammar is for the birds

Most of the people who read this column do so because they enjoy learning about grammar, usage and style. Like me, they actually find the stuff interesting and useful.

But now that I think about it: Why should they have all the fun? I mean, aren’t I just discriminating against all of you out there who despise learning about grammar? When will it be your turn?

Well today’s your lucky day, all you disgruntled high-school students and Yale-educated leaders of the free world. Because today I offer you the best ammo ever in your battles to prove that English is nothing but a colossal pain in the fanny.

The next time some teacher or parent or Comedy Central pundit is hassling you about your language skills, ask him or her: “Oh yeah, well then answer me this, genius: If today you wake up, and yesterday you woke up, then how would you finish the sentence, ‘In the past I have … ‘?”

There are a number of possible responses. But lucky for you they’re all wrong. Most likely your opponent will say, “I have woken up.” To which you respond, “Ha!” That’s because, “the past-tense and past-participial forms of ‘wake’ and its various siblings are perhaps the most vexing in the language,” writes Bryan Garner in “Garner’s Modern American Usage.” And in my opinion, there’s no better argument for giving up on this grammar business altogether.

There are four major verbs we use to describe arising from sleep: to wake, to awake, to awaken, and to wake up.

So you have the choice of saying, “I wake refreshed every morning,” “I awake refreshed every morning,” “I awaken refreshed every morning,” or the most common one, “I wake up refreshed every morning.”

Some of those sound a little odd in the present tense. But in the past, they’re flat-out wacky.

For example, not even that nagging English teacher is likely to know that the past participial form of “wake up” is “waked up.”

Yes, you heard me right. Today I wake up. Yesterday I woke up. In the past I have waked up. There is no “woken up.” There’s a “woken,” but it doesn’t take an up.

What’s more, “woken” is really more of a British thing. “Woken,” in British English, is the past participle not of “wake up” but of just plain old “wake.” But American English prefers “waked.”

Here’s how to inflect “wake” without the “up”: Today I wake. Yesterday I woke. In the past, I have waked. You can get away with, “I have woken,” but it’s not the best choice, according to Garner.

As for those other two words — to awake and to awaken — they’re inflected like this: awake/awoke/ awaked and awaken/ awakened/awakened

So, crazy as it sounds, you would say, “I have awaked many times to the sound of jet engines,” or, “I have awakened many times to the sound of jet engines.”

And if you’re worried you can’t remember that, don’t feel bad.

After writing about this issue in my book, I was once asked about it on a live radio interview. My answer was, basically, “I don’t know. I’d have to check the book I wrote.”

So there you have it — solid evidence to support any argument that grammar is for masochists and that all this language business is for the birds.

See you in the unemployment line.